Nina LaCour (2017)
Genre
Psychology / Young Adult / Romance
Reading Time
236 min
Key Themes
See below
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Grief-stricken and isolated, a college student spends winter break confronting the tragedy that fractured her life and the best friend who holds the key to her healing.
Marin, a freshman at a New York college, is alone in her dorm during winter break. She has isolated herself, avoiding contact with anyone from her past in California after traumatic events led to her abrupt departure. Her only connection to the outside world is her phone, which she uses sparingly. The quiet solitude of the empty campus amplifies her loneliness and grief. She spends her days reflecting on her past, particularly her close friendship with Mabel and the unspoken truths between them. The impending visit from Mabel, her best friend, is a source of both anxiety and longing, as Marin knows it will force her to confront painful memories she has tried to bury.
Mabel arrives in New York, bringing with her a suitcase full of memories and questions. Marin's initial reaction is a mix of relief and apprehension. The reunion is awkward, marked by Marin's emotional guardedness. She struggles to engage in normal conversation, constantly pulling away from any topic that might lead to their shared past. Mabel, sensing Marin's reticence, tries to bridge the gap with small talk and shared activities, but the unspoken history between them creates tension. Marin offers Mabel the spare bed in her dorm, a stark reminder of their previous closeness, yet their interactions remain superficial, highlighting the distance Marin has created.
Through flashbacks, Marin relives the chaotic, grief-stricken weeks following her mother's sudden death. She had been living with her eccentric grandfather in his California beach house, a place filled with both love and sadness. Her grandfather, a kind but somewhat detached artist, struggled to cope with his daughter's passing, leaving Marin largely to her own devices. During this time, Mabel was her constant companion, providing comfort and a sense of normalcy amidst the emotional turmoil. These memories highlight the depth of their friendship and the shared experience of loss, even as Marin kept the full extent of her mother's situation a secret from Mabel.
During one of their quiet moments in the dorm, Mabel gently presses Marin for answers about why she left so abruptly. Marin, still hesitant, begins to reveal fragments of the truth about her mother's death. She explains that her mother had been ill for a long time, battling depression, and that her passing was not as sudden as it appeared. However, Marin carefully omits the most painful and incriminating details, particularly her mother's suicide and her grandfather's role in concealing it. This partial confession is a small step towards honesty, but it leaves Mabel with more questions than answers, and Marin still burdened by the full weight of her secret.
To escape the confines of the dorm and the heavy atmosphere, Marin and Mabel venture out to explore New York City. They visit museums, walk through Central Park, and experience the city's energy. These outings provide brief moments of lightness and allow them to interact in a more casual, familiar way, reminiscent of their friendship before the tragedy. Mabel's presence brings a much-needed distraction for Marin, and for a short time, they manage to push aside the unspoken issues. However, the underlying tension and Marin's continued emotional distance persist, making it impossible to fully recapture their old dynamic.
Another flashback reveals the devastating truth Marin had been hiding. After her mother's death, Marin overheard her grandfather on the phone, discussing how to manage the situation, implying a deliberate effort to make her mother's suicide appear as an accidental overdose. This discovery shattered Marin's perception of her grandfather and intensified her grief with a sense of betrayal and complicity. The revelation of this secret, and her grandfather's desire to protect Marin from the stigma and pain, explains Marin's subsequent withdrawal and her decision to leave California without a word.
The tension between Marin and Mabel finally breaks. Marin, overwhelmed by her secrets and Mabel's persistent but gentle questioning, breaks down and reveals everything. She confesses that her mother committed suicide and that her grandfather, in an attempt to protect her and their family's reputation, covered it up to look like an accidental overdose. She describes the shock, the grief, and the feeling of being complicit in the deception. This raw and painful confession is a turning point, allowing Mabel to finally understand the full scope of Marin's trauma and the reasons for her sudden departure and subsequent isolation.
Mabel is stunned by Marin's full confession. The truth is far more devastating than she had imagined, and she feels a wave of sadness for her best friend and the pain she endured alone. Despite the shock, Mabel's primary reaction is empathy and unconditional support. She doesn't judge Marin or her grandfather but instead offers comfort and understanding. She reassures Marin that she is not to blame and that she is there for her, no matter what. This moment solidifies their bond, demonstrating the strength of their friendship and Mabel's loyalty.
With the truth finally out, Marin and Mabel begin the difficult process of processing the trauma and grief together. They talk for hours, Marin recounting details she had suppressed, and Mabel listening with compassion. The shared vulnerability allows Marin to feel less alone and to finally begin to heal. Mabel helps Marin articulate her feelings of guilt, anger, and sadness. This shared experience of acknowledging the pain and the past strengthens their bond, transforming their friendship into something even deeper and more resilient. The quiet understanding between them becomes a lifeline for Marin.
Encouraged by Mabel's support and her own clarity, Marin makes the brave decision to call her grandfather. This is a significant step, as she had cut off all communication with him after leaving California. The conversation is difficult, filled with unspoken emotions and lingering pain. However, it represents Marin's willingness to confront the past and begin the long process of healing and potential reconciliation with the only family she has left. It's not a complete resolution, but it's a vital beginning, signaling Marin's readiness to move forward and rebuild her life.
By the end of Mabel's visit, Marin has reached a place of acceptance regarding her past. She understands that the grief and trauma are a part of her story, but they do not define her entirely. The truth, though painful, has liberated her from the weight of secrecy and isolation. With Mabel's support, Marin begins to see a path forward, one where she can embrace vulnerability, seek connection, and slowly rebuild her life. She is no longer just surviving but starting to live again, carrying her past but not being consumed by it. The future, while still uncertain, holds the promise of healing and genuine connection.
The Protagonist
Marin evolves from a deeply isolated and secretive individual to someone who can confront her past, share her truth, and begin the process of healing and reconnection.
The Supporting
Mabel remains a steadfast and supportive friend, her unwavering presence helping Marin to open up and heal.
The Mentioned
Her story is revealed through Marin's flashbacks, allowing Marin to gradually understand and accept the circumstances of her mother's life and death.
The Supporting
His actions are revealed through Marin's flashbacks, leading Marin to eventually reach out to him for reconciliation, signaling a potential for healing their relationship.
The novel explores the nature of grief, particularly following a traumatic loss like suicide. Marin's entire existence is shaped by her mother's death, manifesting as sadness, emotional numbness, and a desperate attempt to outrun her pain. The empty dorm room in New York symbolizes her internal void. Her flashbacks depict the immediate aftermath of her mother's passing, showing the confusion, shock, and isolation she experienced. Healing begins when Marin allows herself to finally acknowledge and articulate her grief to Mabel, transforming it from a solitary burden into a shared experience.
“What does it mean to be okay? It means to keep living, even when the person you loved most is gone.”
Marin's journey is about her struggle with self-imposed isolation and her eventual hesitant embrace of human connection. After her mother's death, she deliberately cuts herself off from her old life, symbolized by her move across the country and her refusal to answer calls or texts. Her empty dorm room during winter break is a physical manifestation of her emotional solitude. Mabel's visit forces Marin to confront this isolation, gradually breaking down the walls she's built. The novel argues that true healing comes not from escaping pain, but from sharing it and allowing others to bear witness, leading to genuine connection.
“I had left everything behind. The house, the beach, the memories. I had left Mabel.”
The narrative is driven by the burden of secrets, particularly the truth surrounding Marin's mother's suicide and her grandfather's cover-up. Marin carries this secret alone, believing it's too painful or shameful to share, which intensifies her isolation and guilt. The tension between her and Mabel stems directly from these unspoken truths. The slow, painful revelation of the secret to Mabel is the turning point of the story, demonstrating the liberating power of honesty, even when it's difficult. The novel suggests that while truths can be painful, secrets are ultimately more destructive to the soul.
“The truth was a heavy thing. I had carried it alone for so long, it felt like a part of me.”
At its heart, the novel explores the deep, evolving bond between Marin and Mabel, which goes beyond friendship. Mabel is Marin's anchor, her presence and unconditional love providing the foundation for Marin's healing. Their shared history and intimate understanding of each other are important. The tenderness in their interactions, the comfort they find in each other's presence, and the unspoken feelings between them highlight the transformative power of first love and the intimacy that can exist within a deep friendship. Mabel's persistent love ultimately helps Marin find her way back to herself.
“I loved her. I loved her in a way I hadn't known was possible, a way that felt like home.”
The story alternates between Marin's present isolation in New York and flashbacks to her past in California.
This device is crucial to gradually revealing the central mystery and Marin's trauma. The present timeline in New York establishes Marin's current state of isolation and grief, building suspense around 'what happened.' The flashbacks, triggered by memories and Mabel's arrival, slowly piece together the events surrounding her mother's death, her grandfather's actions, and the end of her old life. This non-linear structure allows the author to control the pacing of revelations, keeping the reader engaged while mirroring Marin's own fragmented memory and her struggle to process the past.
Marin's solitary dorm room during winter break serves as a physical manifestation of her emotional state.
The empty dorm room is a powerful symbol of Marin's self-imposed isolation and the void left by her grief. It provides a stark, confined setting that forces Marin to confront her inner world without external distractions. The quiet, barren space amplifies her loneliness and creates an atmosphere of introspection. As Mabel arrives, the room becomes a crucible where Marin's secrets are finally revealed, and healing begins. Its transformation from a place of bleak solitude to a space for shared vulnerability mirrors Marin's emotional journey.
Marin's refusal to respond to communications from her past life.
Marin's deliberate avoidance of calls and texts from her old life, particularly from Mabel, is a key indicator of her deep emotional withdrawal and her attempt to sever ties with her past. This device creates immediate tension and mystery, signaling to the reader that something significant drove Marin away. It underscores her fear of confrontation and her belief that she can outrun her problems. The eventual decision to finally engage with Mabel, despite the initial silence, marks a critical step in Marin's journey towards healing and reconnection.
“Marin, the thing about grief… it's like the ocean. It's vast, and it's deep, and it's always there. Sometimes it's calm, and sometimes it's a storm. And sometimes you just have to let yourself be pulled under.”
— Aunt Sharon talking to Marin about her grief.
“The quiet was a person, a third person in the room with us. It had been with me for months.”
— Marin reflecting on the silence after the tragedy.
“It was strange, the way memory worked. Sometimes it was a clear picture, sometimes it was a feeling, sometimes it was just a taste.”
— Marin thinking about her past with Mabel.
“I didn't know how to tell her that some things don't get better. They just get different.”
— Marin's internal thought about her situation.
“There are a lot of ways to be lonely. Sometimes you can be lonely even when you’re surrounded by people.”
— Marin reflecting on her isolation at college.
“Maybe that’s what love was: the feeling of being completely safe with someone.”
— Marin considering her feelings for Mabel.
“You don't just stop loving someone. You learn to live without them.”
— Marin's internal monologue about her grandfather and Mabel.
“I had left everything behind, but I hadn't left myself.”
— Marin realizing she brought her emotional baggage to college.
“Sometimes the only way to get through something is to go through it alone.”
— Marin's initial belief about dealing with her grief.
“We were okay. We were going to be okay. It was a promise, a prayer, a mantra.”
— Marin's recurring thought, the title's inspiration.
“The hardest part of saying goodbye is not being able to say it.”
— Marin reflecting on the sudden loss of her grandfather.
“It was like trying to hold water in your hands. The more you squeezed, the more it slipped away.”
— Marin describing her struggle to hold onto memories or feelings.
“I thought I was running away from everything, but maybe I was just running towards something new.”
— Marin's realization about her move to New York.
“Being close to someone meant letting them see all the parts of you, even the broken ones.”
— Marin's thoughts on intimacy and vulnerability with Mabel.
“Sometimes you have to break to put yourself back together in a stronger way.”
— Marin's understanding of her own journey through grief.
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