“I used to be someone else. Someone who believed in happy endings.”
— Eden reflects on her loss of innocence after trauma.
Archivist's Choice
The Way I Used to Be
Amber Smith (2016)
Genre
Psychology / Young Adult / Romance
Reading Time
7 hr 45 min
Key Themes
See below
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After an assault, Eden navigates high school, silently battling trauma that changes her identity, relationships, and understanding of her world.
Synopsis
Eden, a high school freshman, experiences a sexual assault by her brother's best friend. Unable to speak about it, she buries the incident, retreating from friends, family, and her interests. Her life spirals into isolation and self-destructive behaviors throughout her freshman and sophomore years. In her junior year, a new friendship with love interest Steven offers hope, but her past trauma haunts her, leading to emotional distance and a strained relationship. The emotional toll reaches a breaking point, forcing her to confront her pain. In her senior year, Eden begins to heal, confiding in Steven and then her best friend, Katie. With their support, she reports the assault, seeking justice and reclaiming her voice. The story ends with Eden embracing a new beginning, learning to live with her past while moving forward with hope and understanding her own strength.
Reading time
7 hr 45 min
Difficulty
Medium
Pacing
Moderate
Mood
Somber, Reflective, Hopeful, Intense
✓ Read this if...
You appreciate powerful, character-driven stories about trauma and healing, with a focus on psychological depth and emotional honesty, similar to Laurie Halse Anderson's 'Speak'.
✗ Skip this if...
You prefer lighthearted reads or find stories detailing sexual assault and its aftermath too emotionally challenging.
Plot Summary
The Freshman Year: A Perfect Beginning Shattered
Eden White starts her freshman year of high school feeling optimistic, especially about her crush, Josh. She has a good relationship with her older brother, Steven, and a close group of friends. One night, while her parents are out, Steven hosts a party. Steven's best friend, Billy, who Eden has known and trusted for years, offers her a ride home from a friend's house after she's had too much to drink. Instead of taking her home, Billy drives to an isolated spot and rapes her. Traumatized, Eden returns home and tries to act as if nothing happened, burying the event. She struggles with guilt and fear, unable to confide in anyone, not even her best friend, Katie, or her brother.
The Sophomore Year: Isolation and Self-Destruction
The trauma of the assault continues in Eden's sophomore year. She withdraws from her friends and family, pushing away Katie and growing distant from Steven. Her once lively personality is replaced by a quiet, often angry demeanor. She starts changing her appearance, cutting her hair short and wearing darker clothes, as if trying to erase her former self. Her grades drop, and she skips classes, often hiding in the library. She hates Billy, but fear of speaking out, along with shame, keeps her silent. She also begins to engage in self-destructive behaviors, implying a general disregard for her well-being.
A New Friendship and a Glimmer of Connection
During her sophomore year, Eden forms a friendship with Sophia, another student often seen as an outcast. Sophia is artistic, rebellious, and sees through Eden's new facade in a way others do not. Their friendship gives Eden a sense of connection, though it is built on shared feelings of alienation rather than her past innocence. Sophia encourages Eden to express herself, sometimes through risky or unconventional means. This relationship becomes important in Eden's life, offering a different kind of comfort than she found with her old friends, but also pulling her further away from her former life and the people who knew the 'old' Eden.
The Junior Year: First Love and Lingering Pain
In her junior year, Eden meets Ryan, a new student who is kind, patient, and genuinely interested in her. They start a romantic relationship, which is Eden's first experience with intimacy after the assault. While Ryan is understanding and supportive, Eden struggles with physical intimacy, often having panic attacks or flashbacks. She tries to open up to him about her past, hinting at a traumatic event, but cannot bring herself to reveal the full truth about Billy. Her inability to fully share her trauma creates a barrier in their relationship, despite Ryan's efforts to be there for her, showing how deeply the assault has affected her capacity for trust and intimacy.
The Breaking Point: Confrontation and Escalation
Eden's junior year brings increasing tension and the inability to escape Billy. She often sees him at school and around town, which triggers her trauma and fuels her rage. One day, the emotional burden becomes too much. She confronts Billy, not explicitly about the rape, but with pent-up anger and accusations, in a public setting. This confrontation is chaotic and draws attention, but Billy denies everything and manipulates the situation, making Eden appear unstable. This incident further isolates Eden, as others, including her brother Steven, struggle to understand her behavior, unaware of the reason.
The Senior Year: A New Beginning and Renewed Hope
Entering her senior year, Eden decides to stop letting the assault define her. She starts to participate more in school, joining the yearbook committee, and tries to reconnect with Katie, though their friendship is still strained. She also begins to seriously consider colleges, seeing it as an escape and a chance for a fresh start. While the memories and pain are still present, her mindset shifts; she is no longer just surviving but actively trying to live. This period marks a subtle but significant internal change, as Eden begins to understand that healing is possible and that she deserves a future free from her past.
Reconciliation and Revelation with Katie
Eden and Katie's friendship slowly mends during senior year. Katie, though hurt by Eden's past distance, still cares for her. Through shared classes and activities, they start spending time together again. One evening, while talking about their futures, Eden, in a moment of vulnerability, hints at the trauma she experienced. While she does not explicitly name Billy or detail the rape, she communicates enough for Katie to understand that something terrible happened to her. This partial revelation is a huge step for Eden, showing her growing trust and her first genuine attempt to share her burden with someone from her 'old' life.
The Truth Comes Out: Confiding in Steven
The most important step in Eden's healing journey happens when she finally tells Steven about the rape. After years of silence, and seeing Steven's confusion and hurt over her changed behavior, Eden breaks down and reveals the truth about Billy. This confession is painful for both of them. Steven is devastated and feels guilty that he did not protect her or notice her suffering. His immediate reaction is a mix of shock, anger, and sadness. This moment is a turning point, as Steven becomes her strong supporter, vowing to help her get justice. It also begins the process of healing their fractured sibling relationship.
Seeking Justice: Reporting the Assault
With Steven's support, Eden decides to report Billy to the police. The process is difficult and terrifying, requiring her to recount the event multiple times to different officials. She undergoes a medical examination and endures questioning that makes her feel exposed and re-victimized. Despite the difficulty, Eden continues, driven by a desire for justice for herself and to prevent Billy from harming anyone else. This act of reporting is a powerful reclaiming of her voice and agency, marking a significant step in her journey towards healing and empowerment, even as the outcome remains uncertain.
The Aftermath and Moving Forward
After reporting, Eden faces the reality of the legal process and community reactions. Billy denies the allegations, and the case becomes a prolonged and emotionally draining ordeal. There are whispers and judgments, but also strong support from her family, Katie, and some unexpected allies. While the book does not explicitly detail the legal outcome, it focuses on Eden's internal journey. She slowly begins to shed the weight of her secret, finding strength in her vulnerability and the support system she has built. She starts to imagine a future where she is not defined by what happened to her, but by her strength and her capacity for hope and love, finally embracing 'the way she used to be' but with new strength.
Principal Figures
Eden White
The Protagonist
Eden transforms from a naive, happy girl into a traumatized, isolated young woman, gradually finding her voice and strength to confront her past and seek justice.
Billy
The Antagonist
Billy remains a static character, never acknowledging his wrongdoing, serving as the catalyst for Eden's trauma and her eventual quest for justice.
Steven White
The Supporting
Steven evolves from an unaware, somewhat self-centered brother to a fiercely protective and supportive sibling.
Katie
The Supporting
Katie's friendship with Eden endures strain and distance, eventually mending as Eden begins to confide in her.
Ryan
The Supporting
Ryan offers Eden a pathway to connection and intimacy, though their relationship is ultimately challenged by her unrevealed trauma.
Sophia
The Supporting
Sophia offers Eden an outlet for her pain and anger, providing a sense of belonging during a period of isolation.
Eden's Parents
The Supporting
They transition from concerned but unaware parents to fiercely supportive and understanding figures for Eden.
Mr. Davies
The Mentioned
Static, serves as a minor figure reflecting external observation of Eden's decline.
Themes & Insights
Trauma and Its Aftermath
The main theme looks at the lasting effects of sexual assault on a young person's life. Eden's experience shows how trauma can lead to isolation, personality changes, difficulty with intimacy, and self-destructive behaviors. The story details her internal struggle, her inability to speak out, and the shame and fear that consume her for years, affecting every part of her life from friendships to school. The book shows trauma is not just one event, but a continuous series of effects.
“What was once simple, is now complex. What Eden once loved—who she once loved—she now hates. What she thought she knew to be true, is now lies. Nothing makes sense anymore, and she knows she’s supposed to tell someone what happened but she can’t. So she buries it instead. And she buries the way she used to be.”
Silence and Voice
This theme shows how difficult it is for victims to speak out about sexual assault and the power of finding one's voice. For years, Eden stays silent, paralyzed by fear, shame, and the belief that no one will believe her or that speaking out will only cause more pain. Her silence isolates her and stops her healing. The novel tracks her journey from silence to gradually confiding in Katie, then Steven, and finally reporting Billy, showing that speaking up is a key step in processing trauma and seeking justice.
“I knew I should tell someone. I knew. But how could I? How could I say the words out loud? They would make it real. And if it was real, then it was my fault.”
Identity and Self-Reinvention
Eden's struggle with identity is a main theme. After the assault, she feels she must erase 'the way she used to be,' adopting a new, tougher persona, changing her appearance, and pushing away her old friends. This reinvention is a desperate attempt to protect herself and distance herself from the event. The book explores the fragmented self that results from trauma and the long process of combining the 'old' Eden with the 'new' Eden, leading to a stronger, more resilient identity that includes both her past and her future.
“I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me. She wasn’t me. Not anymore. I had to bury the old me, the way I used to be.”
Friendship and Betrayal
The novel explores the complexities of friendship, both its betrayal and its lasting power. Billy's betrayal, as Steven's best friend and someone Eden trusted, causes her trauma. Later, Eden pushes away her best friend, Katie, straining their bond. The book explores how difficult it is to maintain friendships when carrying such a big secret. Conversely, the eventual mending of her friendship with Katie and Steven's support show the healing power of real connection and the importance of a strong support system in overcoming difficulty.
“I used to think friends were forever. But forever was a long time. And sometimes, forever ended with a single night.”
Justice and Healing
The pursuit of justice and the path to healing are connected throughout the story. While Eden initially buries her experience, her eventual decision to report Billy is an act of seeking justice, both legally and personally. The book emphasizes that justice is not always quick or easy, and the legal process itself can cause more trauma. However, speaking out and seeking accountability is a key step in her healing journey, allowing her to reclaim her agency and begin to move forward, understanding that healing is a process, not an end.
“I didn’t want to be a victim anymore. I wanted to be a survivor. And survivors fought back.”
Plot Devices & Literary Techniques
Four-Part Structure (Freshman, Sophomore, Junior, Senior Year)
Organizes Eden's emotional and psychological journey over four years.
The novel is explicitly divided into four parts, each corresponding to a year of Eden's high school experience. This chronological structure effectively demonstrates the long-term impact of trauma, showing how Eden's personality, relationships, and coping mechanisms evolve over time. It allows the reader to witness her slow deterioration and gradual, arduous path to healing, emphasizing that recovery from such a profound event is not instantaneous but a prolonged process that unfolds year by year, marked by different stages of grief, anger, and eventual self-reclamation.
First-Person Perspective
Provides intimate access to Eden's internal thoughts and feelings.
The entire story is told from Eden's first-person point of view. This narrative choice is crucial for immersing the reader in her subjective experience of trauma, shame, and isolation. It allows for an unfiltered look into her fragmented thoughts, her internal monologues, and her struggle to process what happened to her. This perspective makes her pain, confusion, and gradual awakening incredibly raw and authentic, fostering deep empathy in the reader and highlighting the isolating nature of her secret as she keeps her true feelings hidden from others.
Symbolism of Changing Appearance
Reflects Eden's internal state and her attempt to erase her past self.
Eden's physical appearance undergoes significant changes after the assault – she cuts her hair short, wears darker clothes, and generally presents a more hardened exterior. This serves as a powerful symbol of her internal transformation and her desperate attempt to shed her 'old' innocent self, whom she associates with vulnerability and the trauma. Her changing look is a visual manifestation of her emotional withdrawal and her desire to create a new identity that she believes can protect her from further harm, effectively burying 'the way she used to be.'
The Unreliable Narrator (initially)
Eden's initial silence and internal denial create a sense of suppressed truth.
While Eden is the sole narrator, for a significant portion of the book, she is 'unreliable' in the sense that she is actively suppressing and denying the full truth of her trauma, even to herself. She avoids directly naming the event or the perpetrator in her early internal monologues, instead focusing on the vague 'what happened' or 'that night.' This narrative technique mirrors the psychological process of trauma victims who often dissociate or compartmentalize their experiences, creating a tension between what the reader senses and what Eden is willing to acknowledge, emphasizing the profound difficulty of confronting her truth.
Flashbacks and Triggers
Illustrates the pervasive and intrusive nature of PTSD.
The narrative frequently employs flashbacks and describes Eden's reactions to various triggers. Seeing Billy, experiencing physical intimacy with Ryan, or even certain sounds or smells can instantly transport Eden back to the night of the assault or evoke intense anxiety and panic. These moments are not always linear or clearly defined, reflecting the fragmented and intrusive nature of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This device effectively conveys the constant presence of her trauma, demonstrating how it infiltrates every aspect of her daily life and emotional well-being, making it difficult for her to escape her past.
Critical analysis
Notable Quotes
“The way I used to be is gone, and I don't know how to get her back.”
— Eden struggles with identity after her assault.
“Sometimes the silence is louder than the screaming.”
— Eden describes the aftermath of keeping her assault secret.
“I am a collection of broken pieces, trying to pass as whole.”
— Eden's internal monologue about her fractured self.
“You don't get over it. You just learn to live with it.”
— Eden's realization about coping with trauma.
“The truth doesn't set you free. It just makes you heavier.”
— Eden's cynical view on revealing her assault.
“I built walls so high, even I couldn't climb out.”
— Eden describes her emotional isolation.
“Love doesn't fix broken things. It just makes them harder to throw away.”
— Eden's perspective on relationships post-trauma.
“The hardest part isn't what happened. It's what happens after.”
— Eden reflects on the ongoing impact of trauma.
“I wear my pain like armor, but it's really just a cage.”
— Eden describes how her trauma affects her daily life.
“Sometimes surviving feels like the worst kind of punishment.”
— Eden's dark thoughts about enduring trauma.
“The memories don't fade. They just change shape.”
— Eden on how trauma evolves over time.
“I'm not broken. I'm reassembling.”
— A moment of hope in Eden's healing journey.
“The world keeps spinning, even when yours has stopped.”
— Eden observes life moving on around her.
“You can't unbreak what's been broken. You can only build something new from the pieces.”
— Eden's realization about moving forward.
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Key Questions (FAQ)
The novel follows Eden, a high school freshman who is raped by her brother's best friend, Kevin. Told across four years of high school, it chronicles her trauma, silence, and transformation as she buries her old self and navigates adolescence, relationships, and survival.
About the author
Amber Smith is a writer known for her impactful young adult fiction. Her debut novel, "The Way I Used to Be," garnered significant attention for its sensitive and honest exploration of trauma and healing. Smith's work often tackles difficult themes with a focus on resilience and self-discovery.
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