Deb Caletti (2007)
Genre
Psychology / Young Adult / Romance
Reading Time
300 min
Key Themes
See below
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Haunted by panic attacks, a girl finds comfort and forbidden love with a mysterious single father whose dark secret threatens her fragile peace and forces an impossible choice.
Jade DeLuna's life is increasingly controlled by her panic disorder, which causes terrifying thoughts, breathlessness, and dizziness. She constantly fears dying and struggles to feel normal. Her therapist, Dr. Hayes, encourages her to face her fears, but Jade often feels overwhelmed. She finds comfort watching the live webcam feed of the elephants at the local Woodland Park Zoo; it helps her feel grounded. During one of these late-night viewing sessions, she first sees a mysterious boy in a red jacket, holding a baby, captivated by the elephants. This brief glimpse sparks an unexpected curiosity in Jade, offering a short break from her internal struggle.
Driven by an unusual urge, Jade decides to visit the Woodland Park Zoo in person, hoping to find the boy she saw on the webcam. Her anxiety is always present, but the desire to understand the boy's story pushes her forward. She eventually sees him again, confirming it's the same boy with the baby. Gathering her courage, Jade approaches him. She learns his name is Sebastian and the baby is his son, Sam. Their first interaction is careful, but Jade is immediately drawn to Sebastian's calm manner and the gentle way he cares for Sam, a stark contrast to her own chaotic internal world. This meeting begins a connection that offers Jade a new outlook.
Sebastian invites Jade into his unique life, which centers around a houseboat on Lake Union where he lives with his activist grandmother, Mimi. Jade is immediately charmed by the cozy, unconventional atmosphere and Mimi's genuine warmth. She learns that Sebastian is raising Sam alone, a fact that further endears him to her. Sebastian's life, though difficult, seems based in love and strength, offering Jade a clear contrast to her own anxieties. She spends more and more time with Sebastian and Sam, finding a sense of peace and belonging she hasn't felt in years. This immersion into their world begins to break down Jade's protective shell, making her feel safe and understood.
As Jade and Sebastian spend more time together, their connection deepens into a romantic relationship. Jade falls in love with Sebastian, drawn to his strength, kindness, and the unconditional love he shows Sam. She feels a sense of safety and acceptance with him that she rarely experiences elsewhere. Jade begins to talk about her panic disorder, revealing her deepest fears and anxieties, and Sebastian listens with empathy and understanding. In turn, Sebastian shares bits of his past, hinting at a troubled history and the challenges he's overcome to raise Sam. These shared vulnerabilities strengthen their bond, making Jade believe she has found someone truly special.
Despite the happiness Jade finds with Sebastian, subtle inconsistencies begin to appear, causing unease. She notices that Sebastian is vague about certain details of his past, especially regarding Sam's mother. He avoids specific questions and sometimes gives unclear answers. There are times when he seems overly protective or secretive, and Jade occasionally sees him looking troubled or distant. While she initially dismisses these as remnants of his difficult past, a growing sense of discomfort starts to bother her. Her anxiety, though lessened by Sebastian's presence, begins to resurface as nagging doubts about the full truth of his situation, making her question what she truly knows about him.
Jade's unease grows, prompting her to directly ask Sebastian about her observations and the unanswered questions about his past and Sam's mother. She expresses her concern about his evasiveness, hoping for honesty and reassurance. However, Sebastian skillfully avoids her inquiries, offering explanations that, while seemingly plausible, don't fully satisfy Jade. He attributes his secrecy to past trauma and a desire to protect Sam, using Jade's empathy. Despite her lingering doubts, Jade, deeply in love and desperate for the sense of security he provides, chooses to believe him, pushing her suspicions aside for the sake of their relationship and the fragile peace she has found.
As Jade and Sebastian's relationship continues, outside pressures begin to increase. Mimi, Sebastian's grandmother, becomes more vocal about her activist causes, sometimes drawing unwanted attention. At the same time, Sebastian grows more secretive and withdrawn, particularly when discussions turn to the legalities of Sam's custody or his past. Jade notices his phone calls become hushed, and he occasionally disappears for periods without explanation. These behaviors increase Jade's anxiety, making it harder for her to ignore the warning signs. She starts to feel a growing sense of dread, realizing that the 'safe' world she built with Sebastian might be more unstable than she initially believed, threatening her hard-won stability.
Through a series of clues, overheard conversations, and perhaps an accidental discovery, Jade finally uncovers Sebastian's terrible secret. She learns that Sebastian is not Sam's biological father, but instead kidnapped Sam from his estranged mother several months prior. He has been living hidden, trying to avoid authorities, driven by a mistaken belief that he could provide a better life for the child. This revelation shatters Jade's view of Sebastian and their relationship. The boy she loved, who brought her so much peace, is a criminal, and the life they shared is built on a lie. The truth is a devastating blow, causing a severe return of her panic disorder.
Jade is plunged into a deep moral crisis. She loves Sebastian and has found immense comfort and stability in their relationship, a stark contrast to her life before him. She sees his genuine love for Sam and believes his intentions, however misguided, came from a place of care. However, she also understands the seriousness of his crime and the suffering it has caused Sam's biological mother. The weight of this secret, and the knowledge that she is now involved by keeping quiet, is unbearable. Her panic disorder flares intensely, making it almost impossible to think clearly. She struggles with the agonizing decision of whether to protect Sebastian and their fragile world or to expose the truth, facing the potential loss of everything she's come to value.
After immense internal struggle, Jade makes the agonizing decision to report Sebastian to the authorities. This choice is not made lightly, as it means betraying the person she loves and dismantling the sense of safety she had finally found. She understands the devastating consequences for Sebastian and Sam, but her conscience and a renewed sense of moral clarity compel her to act. The act itself is terrifying, triggering her panic, but she pushes through it, showing immense growth and strength. This decision marks a key moment in Jade's journey, as she chooses integrity and justice over personal comfort and love, even at great personal cost.
After her decision, Jade experiences a mix of emotions: grief, guilt, fear, but also a new sense of empowerment. Sebastian is caught, and Sam is reunited with his mother. Jade faces the difficult task of processing the betrayal and the loss of her first love. She relies on her therapist, Dr. Hayes, and her family, slowly beginning to rebuild her sense of self. The experience, though traumatic, forces her to confront her anxieties directly and strengthens her resolve to live authentically. She continues to find comfort in the elephants, but now with a deeper understanding of her own strength and resilience, starting a new path of healing and self-discovery.
The Protagonist
Jade transforms from a fear-ridden individual defined by her illness to a resilient young woman who chooses moral integrity over personal comfort, learning to trust her instincts and find strength within herself.
The Love Interest / Antagonist
Sebastian's arc reveals the complexity of his character, showing how love can be intertwined with deeply flawed and criminal actions, leading to his eventual exposure and the dissolution of his carefully constructed life.
The Supporting
Sam's arc is less about personal development and more about being the innocent subject of a moral quandary, ultimately being returned to his rightful parent.
The Supporting
Mimi's arc shows her as a supportive, if sometimes oblivious, figure who is eventually forced to confront the harsh reality of her grandson's actions.
The Supporting
Dr. Hayes's arc is consistent; she remains a steadfast and wise mentor, helping Jade apply her therapeutic tools to real-life crises.
The Supporting
Her arc involves supporting Jade through her difficult experiences and witnessing her daughter's growing strength and independence.
The novel deeply explores how panic disorder affects Jade's life, showing how fear can control daily choices and isolate people. Jade's internal thoughts clearly show the physical and mental effects of her anxiety, from breathlessness to existential dread. Her journey highlights the struggle to tell the difference between real threats and irrational fears. This theme is shown by Jade's initial reliance on the zoo webcam for comfort and her gradual, painful process of facing her anxieties, ending with her brave decision to act despite intense fear.
“And how much trouble you can get into if you can't [ignore the dangers of living in order to live].”
The story looks at the complexities of love when mixed with deception. Jade falls deeply in love with Sebastian, who gives her a sense of safety and normalcy, making his later betrayal even more devastating. Sebastian's actions, though criminal, are shown as coming from a misguided, intense love for Sam, creating a morally gray area. This theme forces Jade, and the reader, to question whether good intentions can justify harmful actions and how much one is willing to compromise their ethics for love. The climax of the novel centers on Jade's agonizing choice between loyalty and justice.
“Her boy who is hiding a terrible secret. A secret that will force Jade to decide between what is right, and what feels right.”
Jade's panic disorder makes her feel constantly unsafe and alone. Her attraction to Sebastian is largely driven by the sense of security and belonging he offers—a 'normal' life with a loving family. The houseboat, the elephants, and Sebastian's calm manner all represent safe places from her internal chaos. The shattering of this perceived safety when Sebastian's secret is revealed forces Jade to rethink what true safety means, realizing it must come from within and be based on truth, rather than relying on outside sources or illusions. Her journey is ultimately about finding genuine inner peace.
“She hasn't felt this safe in a long time. She owes it all to Sebastian, her boy with the great heart.”
Jade's character arc is a powerful example of resilience. Despite her debilitating anxiety, she actively seeks connection and faces difficult truths. The discovery of Sebastian's secret, while devastating, becomes a test for her growth. She moves from being a victim of her illness and circumstances to an empowered person who makes a deeply difficult moral choice. Her ability to push through her panic to do what she believes is right shows immense inner strength and a profound change, highlighting that true resilience is not the absence of fear, but acting despite it.
“But the one thing my illness did make me realise is how necessary it is to ignore the dangers of living in order to live.”
A recurring symbol of comfort, observation, and eventually, a catalyst for connection.
The live zoo webcam, specifically showing the elephants, serves multiple functions. Initially, it's a coping mechanism for Jade, a safe, controlled window into the outside world that calms her anxiety. The elephants themselves symbolize strength, memory, and community, contrasting with Jade's feelings of vulnerability and isolation. The webcam is also the literal device through which Jade first spots Sebastian, making it a crucial plot catalyst. Its continuous presence throughout the narrative underscores Jade's search for stability and connection, and later, the painful breaking of her illusions as her 'safe' world unravels.
A symbolic setting representing an unconventional, seemingly idyllic, but ultimately precarious life.
Sebastian's houseboat serves as a potent symbol. Its unconventional nature reflects Sebastian's off-the-grid lifestyle and his desire to escape scrutiny. It initially represents a safe, cozy, and idyllic haven for Jade, a stark contrast to her own anxieties and the structured world she inhabits. The constant movement of the water and the temporary nature of a houseboat, however, subtly foreshadow the instability and precariousness of Sebastian's hidden life. It's a beautiful illusion, a fragile home that cannot withstand the weight of his secret, much like his relationship with Jade.
A distinctive visual cue that sparks curiosity and signifies a hidden identity.
The red jacket worn by Sebastian is a simple yet effective plot device. It's the distinctive visual cue that allows Jade to identify him among many people, both on the webcam and later at the zoo. This distinctiveness immediately sets Sebastian apart in Jade's mind, making him memorable and sparking her curiosity. The color red itself can symbolize passion, danger, or a warning, subtly hinting at the complexities and potential hazards associated with Sebastian. It functions as a thread connecting Jade's initial distant observation to her eventual intimate involvement with a stranger who holds a dangerous secret.
Provides intimate access to Jade's anxiety and internal struggles, shaping reader empathy and suspense.
The novel is told from Jade's first-person perspective, which is crucial for immersing the reader in her experience of panic disorder. This narrative choice allows for a deep, intimate understanding of her fears, thought processes, and emotional turmoil. It builds empathy for Jade and allows the reader to experience the world through her anxious lens. It also heightens the suspense surrounding Sebastian's secret, as the reader only knows what Jade knows, sharing in her growing unease and eventual heartbreak, making her moral dilemma feel intensely personal and impactful.
“It’s hard to tell what’s going to be important in life. It really is. It’s hard to tell what’s going to be a giant mistake, or what’s going to be a little mistake, or what’s going to be the best thing you ever did. I think it’s just about doing things, and seeing what happens.”
— Jade reflects on the unpredictability of life's choices and outcomes.
“Sometimes you just have to let go of the idea of what you thought things would be, and just let them be what they are.”
— Jade struggles with her idealized expectations versus reality, particularly in relationships.
“The thing about secrets is that they take up space. They take up so much space that there isn't room for anything else.”
— Jade considers the burden and isolating nature of keeping significant secrets.
“Maybe love isn't about finding the perfect person. Maybe it's about seeing an imperfect person perfectly.”
— Jade contemplates the true nature of love and acceptance in a relationship.
“You can’t just erase what happened. You can only decide what you’re going to do with it.”
— Jade acknowledges the permanence of past events and the importance of moving forward.
“Sometimes the things you’re most afraid of are the things that will set you free.”
— Jade considers confronting her fears to achieve personal growth.
“There’s a difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be alone and not be lonely at all. And you can be with people and be incredibly lonely.”
— Jade muses on the distinction between physical solitude and emotional isolation.
“It’s amazing how much you can hide, even from yourself, when you really try.”
— Jade reflects on her own self-deception and avoidance of difficult truths.
“The hardest part of growing up is realizing that not everyone means what they say, and not everyone says what they mean.”
— Jade experiences disillusionment as she navigates the complexities of adult communication.
“Sometimes you have to break a few things to put yourself back together in a way that’s stronger.”
— Jade considers the necessity of difficult changes for personal rebuilding.
“It’s not about finding someone to complete you. It’s about finding someone who accepts you completely.”
— Jade's evolving understanding of a healthy romantic relationship.
“You can’t control what other people do. You can only control how you react to it.”
— Jade learns about personal agency in the face of external events.
“The truth is a tricky thing. Sometimes it hurts more to know it, but it always sets you free in the end.”
— Jade grapples with the pain and eventual liberation that comes with confronting the truth.
“It’s easier to pretend everything is fine than to admit that it’s not. But pretending doesn’t fix anything.”
— Jade recognizes the futility of denial in addressing her problems.
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Deb Caletti is an award-winning author of young adult fiction, celebrated for her poignant and lyrical explorations of complex themes. Her notable works, including "A Heart in a Body in the World" and "The Nature of Jade," often delve into adolescent identity, resilience, and the challenges of navigating the world. Caletti's writing is admired for its emotional depth and vivid storytelling.
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