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Siblings Without Rivalry cover
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Siblings Without Rivalry

Adele Faber (1987)

Genre

Psychology / Children's / Relationships

Reading Time

360 min

Key Themes

See below

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Learn fun, practical ways to turn sibling fights into a calm home where every child feels important.

Core Idea

This book gives parents practical ways to help their children get along, reduce fighting, and build self-esteem. Faber and Mazlish say that common parenting methods often make conflict worse by ignoring children's feelings, forcing sharing, or taking sides. Instead, they suggest a method that recognizes each child's emotions, avoids comparisons and labels, and lets children solve their own problems. By treating children as individuals with different needs and feelings, and by showing respectful communication, parents can create a home where siblings learn to live together, negotiate, and even support each other without constant adult help.
Reading time
360 min
Difficulty
Medium
✓ Read this if...
You are a parent struggling with constant sibling squabbles, seeking concrete communication strategies to reduce conflict, or want to foster a more respectful and independent relationship between your children.
✗ Skip this if...
You are looking for a deep dive into the psychological theories behind sibling dynamics rather than practical, actionable advice, or if you prefer a less structured, more intuitive parenting approach.

Core idea

The central argument and framework that powers the entire book.

This book gives parents practical ways to help their children get along, reduce fighting, and build self-esteem. Faber and Mazlish say that common parenting methods often make conflict worse by ignoring children's feelings, forcing sharing, or taking sides. Instead, they suggest a method that recognizes each child's emotions, avoids comparisons and labels, and lets children solve their own problems. By treating children as individuals with different needs and feelings, and by showing respectful communication, parents can create a home where siblings learn to live together, negotiate, and even support each other without constant adult help.

At a glance

Reading time

360 min

Difficulty

Medium

Read this if...

You are a parent struggling with constant sibling squabbles, seeking concrete communication strategies to reduce conflict, or want to foster a more respectful and independent relationship between your children.

Skip this if...

You are looking for a deep dive into the psychological theories behind sibling dynamics rather than practical, actionable advice, or if you prefer a less structured, more intuitive parenting approach.

Key Takeaways

1

Acknowledge Feelings, Don't Dismiss Them

Validating a child's emotions, even negative ones, is the first step towards resolving conflict.

Quote

When we acknowledge a child's feelings, we give them permission to have those feelings. When we dismiss their feelings, we teach them that their internal experience is not valid.

One of the biggest changes parents can make is to stop trying to 'fix' their children's negative feelings. Instead, they should simply acknowledge them. When a child is angry, jealous, or frustrated, parents often want to comfort them, make light of it, or distract them. But this accidentally tells the child that their feelings are wrong. By simply saying, 'I see you're very angry right now,' or 'It sounds like you're frustrated with your brother,' parents create a safe place for the child to deal with their emotions. This validation ...

Supporting evidence

The book provides numerous examples of parents who, by switching from 'Don't be silly, he didn't mean it' to 'You sound really upset that your brother took your toy,' observed a significant decrease in the intensity and duration of their children's meltdowns and conflicts.

Apply this

When a child complains about a sibling, resist the urge to immediately solve the problem or tell them how they 'should' feel. Instead, reflect back their feelings: 'You sound really frustrated,' or 'It must be annoying when that happens.' Use active listening techniques to show you understand, then allow them space to elaborate or find their own path forward.

emotional-validationactive-listeningempathy-building
2

Fair Doesn't Mean Equal

Treating children uniquely based on their individual needs fosters a sense of justice, not rivalry.

Quote

Fairness is not giving every child the same thing. Fairness is giving every child what they need.

Parents' constant search for 'fairness' often causes more sibling rivalry instead of stopping it. Children are not all the same; they have different personalities, stages of development, and needs. Giving each child the exact same amount of food, time, or gift, regardless of what they want or their situation, teaches them to always compare and compete. Instead, Faber says 'fairness' means meeting individual needs. One child might need more comfort, another more space, a third more challenging tasks. When parents adjust what they do an...

Supporting evidence

The authors recount a scenario where two children both want a new bike. One is a timid rider, the other an experienced one. Giving them both the same 'beginner' bike would be 'equal' but not 'fair.' A fair approach would be a sturdy training bike for one and an advanced model for the other, acknowledging their distinct skill levels and needs.

Apply this

Stop trying to split everything down the middle. Instead, explain your reasoning when you treat children differently: 'Sophie needs a little extra help with her homework tonight, so I'll be with her. Liam, you're old enough to start your homework independently, and I'll check in later.' Focus on meeting the specific need, not on making it 'even.'

individualized-parentingequity-vs-equalityneeds-based-parenting
3

Don't Take Sides, Mediate

Empower children to resolve their own disputes by acting as a facilitator, not a judge.

Quote

When we take sides, we inevitably create a winner and a loser, and the loser often harbors resentment. When we mediate, we create two problem-solvers.

Parents often make the mistake of jumping into sibling fights as a judge, immediately trying to decide who is 'right' and who is 'wrong.' This approach, while seeming quick, accidentally teaches children to rely on adults to solve problems. It stops them from learning to solve problems themselves and often makes one child feel unfairly blamed or angry. Instead, Faber supports parents acting as mediators. This means acknowledging both children's feelings, helping them explain their views, and guiding them to a solution they both agree ...

Supporting evidence

A detailed anecdote describes a parent who initially always sided with the younger child, leading to the older child feeling perpetually blamed. When the parent shifted to saying, 'It sounds like you both want the truck. What can we do so you can both have a turn?' the children began to propose solutions like 'I'll play with it for five minutes, then you can have it.'

Apply this

When siblings fight, avoid asking 'Who started it?' or 'What did *you* do?' Instead, state what you see ('I see two children fighting over one toy'). Then, acknowledge each child's feelings ('You sound upset, and you look angry'). Finally, invite them to brainstorm solutions ('What can we do to solve this problem so everyone is happy?'). Only intervene if physical safety is at risk.

conflict-resolutionpeer-mediationempowerment-parenting
4

Provide 'Special Time' for Each Child

Dedicated, one-on-one attention fills children's 'love tanks' and reduces their need to compete for attention.

Quote

Children don't just need attention; they need *undivided* attention. A few minutes of 'special time' can be more powerful than hours of shared but distracted time.

A main reason for sibling rivalry is competition for parental attention. Children, especially when they feel ignored, will often act out because 'negative attention is better than no attention.' The answer, according to Faber, is 'special time' — a short, dedicated period (even 10-15 minutes) of one-on-one, uninterrupted time with each child. During this time, the child chooses the activity, and the parent is fully present, listening and joining in without distractions. This regular, individual attention assures each child of their un...

Supporting evidence

The book presents numerous testimonials from parents who implemented 'special time.' One parent described how her constantly bickering children became significantly calmer and more cooperative after she started dedicating 15 minutes each evening to individual 'special time' with each, letting them choose the activity, from reading to building with blocks.

Apply this

Schedule 10-15 minutes of 'special time' for each child daily or a few times a week. Let them choose the activity. Put away your phone, turn off the TV, and give them your full, undivided attention. Avoid using this time for lectures or discipline; it's purely for connection and enjoyment. Announce it beforehand ('It's your special time with me now!') to build anticipation.

attachment-parentingquality-timeattention-seeking-behavior
5

Avoid Comparisons and Labels

Comparing children or assigning fixed labels creates self-fulfilling prophecies and fosters resentment.

Quote

When we label children, we put them in a box. When we compare them, we force them into competition for our approval.

Parents often compare their children ('Why can't you be more like your brother?') or give them fixed labels ('She's the smart one, he's the athletic one'). Even if these seem harmless, they cause a lot of damage. Comparisons always create a 'winner' and a 'loser,' which fuels rivalry and anger. Labels, even good ones, can limit a child. They create pressure for the child to fit a certain image and stop them from exploring other parts of their personality. Children take in these comparisons and labels. This often leads to feeling less ...

Supporting evidence

A case study details a family with 'the artist' and 'the scientist.' The artist felt pressured to always be creative, even when she wanted to try sports, and the scientist felt inadequate in art. When parents stopped using these labels and celebrated their individual efforts, both children felt freer to explore diverse interests without sibling comparison.

Apply this

Consciously stop yourself from comparing children, even positively. Instead of 'Look how neatly your sister colored that,' try 'I see you used so many bright colors in your drawing!' Focus on each child's individual effort, progress, and unique qualities. Avoid using labels like 'the shy one' or 'the messy one.'

self-esteemindividual-identitygrowth-mindset
6

Allow Children to Solve Their Own Problems

Intervening too quickly robs children of opportunities to develop crucial problem-solving and negotiation skills.

Quote

Our job is not to solve all our children's problems, but to equip them with the tools to solve their own.

Parents often feel they must jump in and solve every sibling argument, fearing it will get worse or just wanting peace. However, this well-meaning intervention often backfires. When parents always solve conflicts, children learn to depend on adults for solutions instead of learning to negotiate, compromise, and empathize. Faber stresses that many sibling squabbles, while annoying, are not emergencies and can be good learning chances. By stepping back (unless safety is an issue) and letting children work through disagreements on their ...

Supporting evidence

The book illustrates how children, when left to their own devices (within safe boundaries), often surprise parents with creative solutions. For example, two children fighting over a single swing eventually decided to time each other or to push each other, rather than requiring a parent to enforce turns.

Apply this

When you hear bickering, pause before intervening. Listen to see if they can work it out. If they come to you, resist the urge to immediately provide a solution. Instead, ask empowering questions: 'What ideas do you two have to solve this?' or 'What do you think would be fair?' Only step in if the situation is escalating dangerously or they are truly stuck.

autonomy-supportresilience-buildingself-efficacy
7

Teach Children How to Express Anger Constructively

Providing acceptable outlets for anger prevents it from festering into resentment or destructive behavior.

Quote

Anger is a normal human emotion. It's not the anger itself that's the problem, but how we express it.

Stopping anger or punishing its expression can lead to bigger problems. Children learn to either keep it inside or show it in bad ways (e.g., hitting, yelling, passive aggression). Faber says anger is a natural emotion that needs a healthy way out. Parents can help by acknowledging the child's anger ('I see you're very mad!') and then guiding them to good ways to show it. This might mean using 'I' statements, drawing their feelings, punching a pillow, or just saying what makes them frustrated. By teaching children to show their anger ...

Supporting evidence

A story describes a child who constantly hit his sister when angry. The parents, instead of punishing the hitting, taught him to say 'I'm angry!' and then stomp his feet or hit a pillow. Over time, the hitting decreased as he learned these alternative expressions.

Apply this

When a child expresses anger, acknowledge it ('You're really mad right now!'). Then, offer acceptable outlets: 'It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hit. Can you tell your brother how you feel using your words? Or would you like to punch this pillow?' Model healthy anger expression yourself.

emotional-regulationanger-managementnon-violent-communication
8

Don't Force Forgiveness or Sharing

True generosity and empathy come from within, not from parental coercion.

Quote

When we force a child to say 'I'm sorry' or to share their prized possessions, we teach them only to resent the other child and the act itself.

It is common for parents to demand apologies or force sharing, believing this teaches good manners and kindness. However, Faber says that forcing these behaviors often causes problems. A forced 'I'm sorry' means nothing and teaches nothing about real regret or empathy. Similarly, making a child share a special toy can cause anger and a feeling of unfairness, making them less likely to share later on their own. Instead, parents should focus on creating an environment where empathy can grow naturally. This means acknowledging the feelin...

Supporting evidence

Many examples in the book show that children forced to apologize often grumble the apology insincerely, and those forced to share often snatch back the item or are visibly distressed. When given the choice and allowed to process their feelings, children often spontaneously offer an apology or share something of their own accord later.

Apply this

Instead of 'Say you're sorry!' try 'Your brother looks really sad that you pushed him. What do you think you could do or say to help him feel better?' For sharing, instead of 'You have to share!' try 'It's hard to share your special toy. When you're done, let me know, and your sister can have a turn.' Respect their ownership.

empathy-developmentintrinsic-motivationrespectful-parenting
9

Use Humor and Imagination to Diffuse Tension

Lightheartedness can shift the mood and provide creative solutions to sibling squabbles.

Quote

Sometimes the most effective tool in a parent's arsenal isn't a lecture or a punishment, but a dose of silliness.

Sibling conflicts can often become very intense and emotional, with both children stuck in their positions. At such times, logic and strict warnings often do not work. Faber suggests that humor and imagination can be very strong tools to ease tension and change the mood. By adding some playfulness, parents can stop the negative cycle, lighten the mood, and open new ways to solve problems that lead children away from conflict. This does not mean making light of their feelings, but giving a creative way to let off steam. A silly voice, ...

Supporting evidence

A parent describes two children fighting over who gets to press the elevator button. Instead of lecturing, the parent declared, 'Oh no, the button is invisible! Only a super-duper button-pusher can find it!' This instantly turned the fight into a collaborative game, with both children giggling and 'finding' the invisible button together.

Apply this

When a minor conflict arises (e.g., fighting over who sits where), try a silly suggestion: 'Oh dear, it looks like the couch has a 'no sitting' spell on it! Only those who can hop like bunnies can sit here!' or use a funny voice to make a suggestion. For more serious issues, humor can still be used to bridge a gap once feelings have been acknowledged.

playful-parentingcreative-problem-solvingmood-shifting
10

Model Respectful Communication

Children learn how to interact with siblings by observing how their parents interact with each other and with them.

Quote

Our children are always watching, always learning. We are their first and most important teachers of how to treat others.

How parents talk to each other and their children sets the basic tone for how siblings interact. If parents often yell, ignore feelings, or argue for control, children will unconsciously copy these behaviors in their own relationships. On the other hand, when parents consistently show respectful communication — using 'I' statements, listening carefully, compromising, and expressing anger in a good way — they provide a strong example for their children. This does not mean parents have to be perfect, but that they are aware of how they ...

Supporting evidence

The book highlights that families where parents frequently argued or used passive-aggressive communication often saw similar patterns emerge between siblings. In contrast, families where parents openly discussed disagreements, apologized, and compromised, had children who were more adept at resolving their own conflicts peacefully.

Apply this

Be mindful of your own communication, especially during disagreements. Use 'I' statements ('I feel frustrated when...') instead of 'you' statements ('You always...'). Apologize sincerely when you make a mistake. Discuss problems and solutions openly with your partner and children. Show them what respectful negotiation looks like.

role-modelingconscious-parentingfamily-communication

Critical analysis

Notable Quotes

“The message children get when we compare them is 'You're not good enough as you are, but perhaps you could be if you were more like your sibling.'”

— Discussing the detrimental effects of comparing siblings.

“When we label a child, we encourage her to live up to the label.”

— Explaining how assigning roles or labels (e.g., 'the smart one,' 'the shy one') can influence a child's behavior.

“Each child needs to be seen as an individual, with a unique set of strengths and weaknesses.”

— Emphasizing the importance of recognizing and appreciating each child's individuality.

“Children don't need to be treated equally; they need to be treated uniquely.”

— Distinguishing between 'equal' and 'unique' treatment, advocating for meeting individual needs.

“Instead of saying, 'Why can't you be more like your brother?' try saying, 'I see you're having trouble with this. What do you think might help?'”

— Offering an alternative, more supportive way to address a child's struggles without comparison.

“Feelings aren't right or wrong. They just are.”

— Highlighting the importance of acknowledging and validating children's emotions.

“When you give children the language to express their feelings, you give them the first tool for self-control.”

— Discussing how teaching emotional vocabulary empowers children to manage their feelings.

“Accepting feelings doesn't mean accepting all behavior.”

— Clarifying that while feelings are valid, certain behaviors may still need to be addressed.

“Don't take sides. Let the children work out their own solutions.”

— Advising parents to avoid intervening in every sibling squabble, encouraging children to develop problem-solving skills.

“When children are given the opportunity to solve their own problems, they learn invaluable life skills.”

— Emphasizing the benefits of allowing children to independently resolve conflicts.

“Instead of 'Stop fighting!' try 'What's the problem here? What do you two need to work out?'”

— Suggesting a more constructive approach to mediating sibling conflicts.

“Every child needs a special, private time with a parent, free from competition and comparison.”

— Advocating for 'special time' to strengthen individual parent-child bonds.

“Children who feel understood and accepted are more likely to be understanding and accepting of others.”

— Highlighting the link between a child's emotional security and their capacity for empathy.

“The goal is not to eliminate sibling rivalry, but to help children cope with it constructively.”

— Setting realistic expectations for managing sibling relationships, focusing on skill-building.

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Key Questions (FAQ)

The book 'Siblings Without Rivalry' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish provides parents with practical communication skills and strategies to reduce conflict and foster a more harmonious relationship between their children. It emphasizes acknowledging children's feelings and avoiding comparisons to help them develop their own identities and mutual respect.

About the author

Adele Faber

Adele Faber is a renowned author and speaker, co-authoring the influential parenting book "Siblings Without Rivalry." Alongside Elaine Mazlish, she has dedicated her work to providing practical, empathetic communication strategies for parents. Her expertise lies in fostering healthy family relationships, making her a trusted voice in the field of non-fiction parenting literature.