“The greatest gift you can give your children is the freedom to be themselves.”
— Rosie's core belief about parenting her children, especially Claude/Poppy.
Archivist's Choice
This Is How It Always Is
Laurie Frankel (2017)
Genre
Literary Fiction
Reading Time
450 min
Key Themes
See below
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A family's journey to embrace their youngest son's desire to be a girl forces them to confront societal expectations, the power of secrets, and the ever-evolving definition of unconditional love.
Synopsis
Claude, the youngest of five boys, reveals at age five that he wants to be a girl. His parents, Rosie and Penn, decide to support Claude in living as Poppy, but they initially keep her gender identity a secret from the wider world. The family moves to Seattle for a fresh start, where Poppy begins school as a girl. The secret, however, creates strain, especially when an incident at school forces the family to publicly reveal Poppy's identity. This revelation leads to consequences, including bullying, social ostracization, and Penn losing his job, while Rosie channels her experiences into writing a children's book and becoming an advocate. The family navigates these challenges with varying success; Penn struggles with the public scrutiny, while Poppy grows more independent and self-accepting. Her brothers, initially confused or protective, evolve to become her supporters. Ultimately, the novel explores family love, the complexities of parenting, and the power of accepting and celebrating a child's true self, even as change remains a constant journey.
Reading time
450 min
Difficulty
Medium
Pacing
Moderate
Mood
Heartwarming, Emotional, Thought-provoking, Resilient
✓ Read this if...
You enjoy heartwarming yet challenging family dramas, are interested in stories about gender identity and acceptance, or appreciate a narrative that explores the complexities of modern parenting.
✗ Skip this if...
You prefer fast-paced thrillers or find stories about family struggles and societal prejudice too emotionally taxing.
Plot Summary
Claude's Revelation and Rosie's Dilemma
Rosie and Penn, a couple with five sons, live in a chaotic but loving home in Madison, Wisconsin. Their youngest, five-year-old Claude, loves peanut butter sandwiches and playing dress-up. One evening, Claude tells his mother, Rosie, that he wants to be a girl when he grows up. This news, while surprising, is met with an initial attempt at understanding from Rosie, who has always encouraged her children's individuality. Penn, initially more hesitant, eventually supports Claude, though both parents struggle with how to navigate this news in a world they see as largely unaccepting. They decide to let Claude express himself privately within the family, dressing in girl's clothes at home, but maintain a facade for the outside world, particularly at school.
The Move to Seattle and Poppy's New Beginning
After an incident where Claude is bullied for wearing a dress to school, and Rosie's anxiety about his safety and acceptance grows, the family decides to move from Madison, Wisconsin to Seattle, Washington. This move is a new beginning, a chance for Claude to transition more fully. In Seattle, Claude officially adopts the name Poppy and begins living as a girl, both at home and at her new school. The older brothers—Roo, Ben, Fitz, and Finn—adjust to calling their youngest sibling 'Poppy' and using female pronouns, though the transition is not always smooth. Penn finds a job as an emergency room doctor, and Rosie continues her work as a writer, creating a children's book featuring a transgender character named Poppy.
The Secret's Strain and the Incident at School
Life in Seattle as Poppy is largely successful, but the family's secret—that Poppy was assigned male at birth—becomes a burden. The older brothers are protective, often getting into fights to defend Poppy from potential bullies or those who might question her identity. Finn, in particular, struggles with the secrecy and the constant need for vigilance. This tension ends in a significant incident at Poppy's school. While playing on the playground, Poppy is cornered by a group of boys who attempt to pull down her pants to verify her sex. Finn intervenes violently, injuring one of the boys, leading to his suspension and a deeper crisis for the family. The incident forces Rosie and Penn to confront the limits of their protective bubble.
The Family's Public Revelation and Consequences
Following Finn's violent defense of Poppy, the school and the parents of the injured boy learn of Poppy's transgender identity. This revelation shatters the family's privacy. The parents of the other boy threaten legal action, and the school struggles with how to accommodate Poppy while managing the reactions of other parents. Rosie and Penn are forced into the spotlight, facing judgment and scrutiny from their new community. They decide to be open and advocate for Poppy, but the constant pressure and the legal proceedings take a toll on their family, showing the challenges of raising a transgender child in a society that is not always understanding or accepting.
Rosie's Children's Book and Public Advocacy
Amidst the legal battles and public backlash, Rosie's children's book, 'Poppy's Pancakes,' which subtly features a transgender character, gains unexpected attention. What started as a way for Rosie to process her feelings and explain Poppy's journey to a wider audience becomes a tool for advocacy. The book is published and, while initially met with mixed reactions, eventually becomes a success, opening dialogues about gender identity and acceptance. Rosie uses her platform to speak publicly, sharing her family's story and advocating for transgender children. This act of public vulnerability, though terrifying, empowers the family and helps shift some public perception, but also exposes them to further criticism and misunderstanding.
Penn's Struggles and the Family's Resilience
Penn, a pragmatic and often quiet man, struggles deeply with the challenges of raising Poppy. His protectiveness shows differently from Rosie's, often in quiet worry and a desire to fix things. He feels the weight of the potential dangers Poppy faces and questions if they've made the right decisions. His work as an emergency room doctor, dealing with life-and-death situations, is a contrast to the emotional battles at home. Despite his internal turmoil, Penn remains a steadfast support for Rosie and Poppy. The family faces ongoing challenges, from dealing with insensitive remarks to navigating a school system that is still learning how to be inclusive. Their resilience as a unit is constantly tested, but their love for each other remains paramount.
Poppy's Growing Independence and Self-Acceptance
As Poppy transitions from childhood to adolescence, she becomes more self-assured and independent. She navigates the complexities of friendships, crushes, and fitting in, all while living openly as a transgender girl. The initial intense focus on her identity from her parents and the public slowly shifts as she matures. While the challenges don't disappear entirely, Poppy develops her own coping mechanisms and a strong sense of self. She actively participates in her own advocacy, sometimes speaking about her experiences. Her journey illustrates that while family support is important, ultimately, an individual's self-acceptance and resilience are key to thriving, even in the face of societal hurdles.
The Brothers' Evolving Relationships and Support
The four older brothers—Roo, Ben, Fitz, and Finn—grow and mature alongside Poppy. Their initial struggles with understanding and secrecy evolve into unwavering loyalty and fierce protection. Roo, the eldest, often acts as a steadying force. Ben, the most outwardly emotional, continues to be a vocal defender. Fitz, the quiet observer, offers subtle but firm support. Finn, whose protective instincts led to the school incident, learns to channel his energy more constructively. Each brother, in his own way, becomes an integral part of Poppy's support system, showing the strength of sibling bonds and the family's commitment to loving and protecting one another, regardless of external pressures.
The Enduring Nature of Family Love and Change
Years pass, and the family continues to navigate life with its ups and downs. Poppy thrives, the older boys pursue their own paths, and Rosie and Penn reflect on their journey. They come to understand that their initial anxieties and struggles were part of a larger, ongoing process of growth and adaptation. The central theme of 'this is how it always is'—that change is constant, parenting is a leap of faith, and children grow in unexpected ways—resonates deeply. The family's love, while tested, remains the foundation of their lives. They learn that while secrets can be burdensome, honesty and acceptance, even when difficult, ultimately lead to a stronger, more authentic family unit, capable of facing whatever challenges come next.
Principal Figures
Rosie
The Protagonist
Rosie transforms from a protective mother grappling with a secret to a public advocate, finding strength in vulnerability and sharing her family's story.
Penn
The Protagonist
Penn evolves from a somewhat reserved father to one who, while still pragmatic, fully embraces and supports his daughter's identity, learning to express his love and worry more openly.
Poppy (formerly Claude)
The Protagonist
Poppy's arc is one of self-realization and self-acceptance, moving from a child expressing her identity to a confident adolescent living authentically as a girl.
Roo
The Supporting
Roo matures into a reliable and understanding older brother, consistently offering calm and unwavering support to Poppy and the family.
Finn
The Supporting
Finn learns to channel his fierce protectiveness into more constructive forms of support, maturing from impulsive defense to more considered advocacy for Poppy.
Ben
The Supporting
Ben's vocal and emotional protectiveness of Poppy solidifies, becoming a consistent and unwavering source of support as he matures.
Fitz
The Supporting
Fitz's quiet support for Poppy remains consistent, evolving into a mature and steady presence within the family's protective unit.
Dr. Miller
The Supporting
Dr. Miller consistently provides professional and empathetic guidance, serving as a steady source of information and support for the family throughout Poppy's journey.
The Perrys
The Antagonist
The Perrys remain largely static in their opposition, serving as an external force of conflict and misunderstanding for the Walsh family.
Themes & Insights
Identity and Self-Discovery
The novel explores identity, primarily through Poppy's journey of understanding and expressing her gender identity. From Claude's initial declaration to his eventual transition to Poppy, the book shows the human need to be seen and accepted for who one truly is. It also extends to the family's identity as they deal with how Poppy's truth shapes their collective self and their place in the world. Rosie and Penn's struggle to reconcile their child's identity with societal expectations is a core part of this theme, showing that identity is both internal and externally validated.
“"This is how it always is: change is always hard and miraculous and hard again, parenting is always a leap into the unknown with crossed fingers and full hearts, children grow but not always according to plan."”
Family Love and Unconditional Acceptance
At its heart, the book is about family love. Despite the challenges, fears, and societal pressures, Rosie and Penn's love for Poppy drives their decisions and actions. The brothers' fierce protectiveness, even when expressed imperfectly, shows this theme. The family learns that unconditional acceptance means supporting a child's true self, even when it deviates from expectations, and facing the world together. Their journey illustrates that love is not always easy, but it is the foundation upon which resilience is built.
“"They knew that the only thing worse than having a secret was keeping one. And the only thing worse than keeping one was trying to keep it from your own child."”
Secrecy vs. Openness
The tension between keeping Poppy's gender identity a secret and living openly is a central conflict. Initially, the family believes secrecy will protect Poppy, leading to the move to Seattle. However, the burden of the secret weighs on the brothers and ultimately proves unsustainable, ending in the school incident. The story explores the psychological toll of secrecy and the eventual liberation and strength found in openness, even when it invites scrutiny and prejudice. The family's journey from concealment to public advocacy shows the complex choices parents face in protecting their children versus empowering them to live authentically.
“"Secrets were like a gas leak. They poisoned you slowly, without you even knowing it."”
Parenting and the Unknown
The novel explores the unpredictable nature of parenting. Rosie and Penn constantly deal with decisions for which there is no roadmap, from how to respond to Claude's initial revelation to navigating school systems, legal battles, and public opinion. The story shows that parenting is a continuous process of learning, adapting, and making difficult choices with the best intentions, often feeling like a 'leap into the unknown.' It challenges the idea of a 'perfect' parent and instead celebrates the courage to parent authentically and responsively to a child's unique needs, even when those needs are unexpected.
“"There was no instruction manual for any of this. There was just love, and hope, and a whole lot of crossed fingers."”
Societal Acceptance and Prejudice
The book portrays the societal challenges faced by transgender individuals and their families. From the bullying Claude experiences in Madison to the legal threats and public judgment in Seattle, the novel exposes prejudice and lack of understanding. It shows the importance of safe spaces, inclusive institutions, and informed allies, while also showing the emotional and practical toll of navigating a world that isn't always ready to accept difference. Rosie's journey into public advocacy directly addresses this theme, aiming to create greater empathy and education.
“"The world wasn't always ready for children who didn't fit neatly into the boxes it had already built."”
Plot Devices & Literary Techniques
The Children's Book ('Poppy's Pancakes')
A meta-narrative device reflecting and processing the family's journey.
Rosie, a writer, works on a children's book throughout the novel, initially titled 'The Princess in the Peanut Butter Sandwich' and later becoming 'Poppy's Pancakes.' This book serves as a meta-narrative device, mirroring the family's own experiences with a transgender protagonist. It allows Rosie to process her feelings, explore themes of identity and acceptance, and eventually becomes a tool for public advocacy. The book's evolution reflects the family's own journey from secrecy to openness, and its eventual publication provides a platform for education and understanding within the fictional world of the novel.
The Phrase 'This Is How It Always Is'
A recurring refrain emphasizing universal truths about change, parenting, and family.
The title phrase, 'This Is How It Always Is,' is a recurring refrain throughout the novel, often appearing at pivotal moments or as a narrative reflection. It functions as a thematic anchor, connecting the specific, unique challenges of the Walsh family to broader, universal truths about life, change, and parenting. It suggests that while the specific circumstances may be extraordinary, the underlying human experiences—love, fear, adaptation, the unpredictable nature of children—are constant. This device provides comfort and a sense of shared humanity amidst the family's unique struggles.
The Five Brothers Dynamic
A symbol of overwhelming love and fierce, sometimes clumsy, protection.
The presence of five boisterous sons, all older than Poppy, is more than just a family structure; it's a significant plot device. The sheer number of brothers amplifies the chaos and love in the household, but more importantly, it creates a formidable, often overwhelming, protective shield around Poppy. Each brother embodies a different facet of sibling love and loyalty, from Roo's steady calm to Finn's explosive defense. Their collective protectiveness drives many plot points, including the move to Seattle and the critical school incident, highlighting the intense, sometimes problematic, desire to shield a loved one from a harsh world.
The Peanut Butter Sandwich
A recurring symbol of comfort, simplicity, and childhood innocence.
The peanut butter sandwich serves as a subtle but powerful symbol throughout the novel. It is Claude's favorite food, a simple, comforting staple of childhood. It represents normalcy, innocence, and the foundational aspects of a child's life. When Claude expresses his desire to be a girl while eating a peanut butter sandwich, it juxtaposes the profound nature of his revelation with the everyday simplicity of his childhood, emphasizing that his identity is an inherent part of who he is, regardless of external circumstances. It grounds the extraordinary in the ordinary.
Critical analysis
Notable Quotes
“There are a million ways to be a family, and as long as you love each other, it's the right way.”
— A recurring sentiment that underpins the family's journey and acceptance.
“It's not about being a boy or a girl, it's about being happy.”
— Penn's realization and acceptance of Claude/Poppy's gender identity.
“Secrets are like bricks. They build walls.”
— The family grapples with the burden of keeping Poppy's gender identity a secret.
“Every time you tell a story, it changes. It changes a little bit in the telling, and it changes a little bit in the listening.”
— Penn, a storyteller, reflects on the nature of narratives and truth.
“Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is just let someone be who they are.”
— The parents' struggle to fully embrace and support Poppy's identity without imposing their own fears.
“There's no right way to have a family, only your way.”
— A reaffirmation of the unconventional but loving structure of the family.
“The world isn't always ready for what you have to offer, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't offer it.”
— A message of resilience and authenticity in the face of societal judgment.
“You can't protect your children from everything, but you can teach them how to be strong.”
— Rosie and Penn's evolving understanding of their protective roles.
“The only way to get through it is to go through it.”
— The family facing difficult challenges head-on rather than avoiding them.
“Love isn't about fixing people. It's about loving them, broken pieces and all.”
— A deeper understanding of unconditional love within the family dynamic.
“Sometimes the greatest acts of courage are the quietest ones.”
— Highlighting Poppy's quiet determination and the parents' subtle acts of support.
“Home isn't a place, it's the people you share it with.”
— The family's relocation and the realization that their bond is what constitutes 'home'.
“Life is always going to be messy. The trick is to find the beauty in the mess.”
— A philosophical outlook on navigating the unpredictable nature of life.
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Key Questions (FAQ)
The novel centers on the Walsh-Adams family, particularly Rosie and Penn and their five sons. Their youngest son, Claude, at age five, reveals he wants to be a girl. The story explores the family's journey of accepting and supporting Claude's gender identity, navigating societal reactions, and the profound impact this secret and its eventual revelation have on their lives and relationships.
About the author
Biography coming soon.
