“My darling, you are a symphony, and I am a song that wants to be sung by you.”
— Lennie's internal thoughts about Joe.

Jandy Nelson (2010)
Genre
Young Adult / Romance
Reading Time
275 min
Key Themes
See below
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After her sister's sudden death, a flutist is caught between her sister's grieving boyfriend and a new boy in town, forcing her to choose between the past and an uncertain future.
Seventeen-year-old Lennie Walker faces emotional chaos after her older sister, Bailey, dies from an undiagnosed heart issue during a play rehearsal. Bailey was the bright, musical, and outgoing sister, while Lennie often felt overlooked, finding comfort in books, music, and her clarinet. The family—Lennie, her younger brother, Joe, and their grandmother and uncle—is devastated. Lennie struggles to deal with her grief, feeling a deep emptiness from Bailey's absence. Her usual escape into classical music feels impossible, and she seeks connection to her lost sister in places and objects Bailey loved.
After Bailey's death, Lennie spends time with Toby, Bailey's heartbroken boyfriend. They share a deep, unspoken understanding of their loss. One evening, in Bailey's room, Toby impulsively kisses Lennie. The kiss is unexpected and full of grief, longing, and forbidden closeness. Lennie is shocked but strangely comforted, feeling a connection to Bailey through Toby. This moment begins their secret, emotionally complex relationship, fueled by shared sorrow.
Amid her confusing grief and secret meetings with Toby, a new boy, Joe Fontaine, moves to Lennie's small town. Joe is a talented musician, a free spirit with an infectious laugh and charm. He joins Lennie's high school and the school band. Lennie is immediately drawn to his energy, his passion for music, and his ability to make her feel alive. Joe contrasts with the sadness she shares with Toby, offering a glimpse of happiness and a future not focused on Bailey's memory. Their interactions are playful and hint at growing romance.
Lennie finds herself caught in a painful emotional triangle. She continues to meet Toby secretly, often in places they shared with Bailey, like her room or the forest. These meetings are intense and comforting in their shared sorrow, but also bring guilt and confusion. At the same time, her connection with Joe deepens. They bond over music, spending hours together in the band room, playing instruments, and having close talks. Joe brings light and laughter back into Lennie's life, making her feel seen for who she is, not just as Bailey's sister. She feels torn between the past and a possible future.
The stress of keeping her relationships with Toby and Joe secret begins to affect Lennie. She feels constantly on edge, afraid her deception will be discovered. Her grandmother, Gram, and Uncle Big know about her grief but not her romantic issues. Lennie writes poems and notes, leaving them in unexpected places to express her overwhelming emotions. She feels more isolated by her secrets, unable to tell anyone about the conflicting desires and loyalties that pull her apart. Her guilt, especially regarding Bailey's memory and Joe, grows.
Lennie and Joe perform a beautiful musical duet at a school event; their connection is clear. The performance is a success, showing their musical talent and growing bond. Afterward, in the band room, Joe tells Lennie his feelings for her. Overwhelmed by his honesty and her own deep feelings, Lennie, in a vulnerable moment, tells Joe about her secret relationship with Toby. She struggles to explain the complex reasons for her actions, hoping he will understand her grief-driven mistakes. The confession breaks the fragile trust between them.
Joe is deeply hurt and betrayed by Lennie's confession. The news that she was involved with Toby, his friend and Bailey's ex-boyfriend, while also pursuing him, is too much. A heated and emotional confrontation follows, where Joe expresses his pain and disappointment. He cannot reconcile Lennie's actions with the person he thought she was, feeling like a pawn in her grief. The argument ends with Joe breaking up with Lennie, leaving her heartbroken and alone with the full weight of her mistakes. The bright future she imagined with Joe crumbles.
After Joe leaves, Lennie must confront the full extent of her actions and the pain she caused. She has lost both Toby and Joe, leaving her more alone than ever. The immediate aftermath is filled with despair and regret. However, this painful period also forces her to truly begin processing her grief for Bailey. She starts to understand that using Toby as a stand-in for Bailey was unhealthy and stopped her from moving forward. She begins to put her emotions into her music and writing, finding a healthier way to deal with her sorrow and confusion. Her family, especially Gram and Uncle Big, offer quiet support during this difficult time.
While going through Bailey's things, Lennie finds a hidden message or diary entry from Bailey. This discovery helps Lennie understand her sister's own struggles and dreams, revealing that Bailey wasn't always the perfect person Lennie saw her as. Bailey also had her own insecurities, making her more human. This helps Lennie mourn Bailey not just as an ideal, but as a real person with challenges. It allows Lennie to let go of the pressure to be like Bailey and instead embrace her own identity.
Lennie commits to healing and finding her own voice. She focuses on her music, using her clarinet and songwriting to express her complex emotions about grief, love, and identity. She starts to write her own music, different from Bailey's, and finds joy in her unique artistic expression. She also begins to rebuild relationships with her family, being more open about her feelings. This period marks a shift in Lennie's journey; she is no longer defined only by her sister's death or her past mistakes. She is actively creating her own future, embracing her individuality and the strength she has found within herself.
After a time of reflection and personal growth, Lennie encounters Joe. The meeting is initially awkward and full of unspoken emotions. Lennie, having matured and processed much of her grief, is able to express her regret and explain her actions with more clarity. Joe, also having had time to heal, shows signs of softening. While their relationship is not immediately fixed, there is a hint of hope for reconciliation. The ending suggests that while the path forward will be challenging, Lennie has learned deep lessons about love, loss, and finding her own truth, and that forgiveness, for herself and from Joe, is possible.
The Protagonist
Lennie transforms from a girl defined by her sister's death and her secretive relationships into a self-aware young woman who embraces her own identity and finds her unique voice.
The Deceased Sister/Catalyst
Though deceased, Bailey's character is revealed retrospectively as Lennie discovers her complexities, moving from an idealized figure to a more human, relatable sister.
The Supporting/Love Interest
Toby remains largely static in his grief, serving as a foil to Lennie's eventual movement towards healing and self-discovery.
The Supporting/Love Interest
Joe challenges Lennie to move beyond her grief, offering a path to happiness, though he is hurt by her actions, his presence ultimately pushes her towards self-reflection.
The Supporting
Gram remains a steadfast source of support, embodying unconditional love and resilience in the face of family tragedy.
The Supporting
Uncle Big remains a consistent, grounding figure, his quiet strength a source of comfort for the family.
The Mentioned
Sarah's arc is less prominent, serving more as a stable, if somewhat distant, friend to Lennie.
The immense impact of sudden loss is central, shown through Lennie's raw, often contradictory emotions. Her grief appears as confusion, anger, and a desperate need to hold onto Bailey's memory, leading her into unhealthy relationships with Toby. The novel shows how grief can twist reality and delay healing, as Lennie cannot fully process her sister's death until she faces her own mistakes. The family's shared mourning, especially Gram's quiet strength and Uncle Big's steadiness, also highlights different ways of coping. The theme suggests that grief is a personal, difficult journey toward acceptance.
“How can the world go on when a soul is gone? I don't understand that.”
Lennie's journey is about finding her own identity outside her sister's influence. For years, she felt like the 'other' sister, defined by Bailey's brilliance. Bailey's death forces Lennie to discover who she is without her sister. Her struggle with music, initially a shared interest with Bailey, becomes a way to find her unique artistic voice. Her romantic involvements further complicate her sense of self, as she deals with who she is with Toby (a substitute for Bailey) versus with Joe (a connection to her own potential). The discovery of Bailey's hidden notes also helps Lennie see her sister as a complex person, freeing Lennie to accept her own complexities.
“I can't be Bailey. I can only be me. And that's not enough.”
The novel explores the many forms of love, from sisterly bonds to romantic passion, and the painful results of betrayal. Lennie's love for Bailey is deep, but her grief-driven 'love' for Toby is mixed with a desperate attempt to keep Bailey alive. This love conflicts with her growing, true love for Joe, which is vibrant and forward-looking. Lennie's betrayal of Joe, though born from deep sorrow, highlights the destructive power of secrets and the pain when trust is broken. The theme ultimately asks if love can survive such betrayals and if forgiveness is possible.
“I love you so much, it's like a sickness. And I hate you so much, it's like a sickness.”
Music and writing are important ways for Lennie to express her strong emotions. Lennie, a clarinet player, initially struggles to play after Bailey's death, as music was a shared language. However, as she heals, she begins to compose her own music and write poems, leaving them in various places. This creative expression helps her process her grief, confusion, and new love in a real way. Joe, also a musician, connects with Lennie through their shared passion, showing how art can build deep bonds and offer understanding. The novel suggests that art is not just a talent, but a key tool for emotional processing and self-discovery.
“I write it down because I want to remember. And because I want to forget.”
Lennie writes and scatters poems and notes in public and private spaces.
Throughout the novel, Lennie writes short poems, thoughts, and feelings on various scraps of paper, cups, leaves, and other objects, then leaves them in unexpected places – on trees, in books, on windowsills, or tucked into her clarinet case. This device serves as a direct window into Lennie's internal monologue and her raw emotional state. It externalizes her grief, confusion, and burgeoning feelings, making her inner world accessible to the reader. It also symbolizes her struggle to communicate and her desire to leave a mark, much like Bailey did, while simultaneously being a private act of processing.
Lennie is torn between Toby, Bailey's ex-boyfriend, and Joe, the new boy.
The love triangle between Lennie, Toby, and Joe is a central plot device that propels the narrative and highlights Lennie's emotional conflict. Toby represents Lennie's grief, her connection to the past, and her desperate attempt to keep Bailey's memory alive through a forbidden, unhealthy intimacy. Joe, on the other hand, represents a vibrant future, new love, and a chance for Lennie to embrace her own identity. This triangle forces Lennie to confront her conflicting desires and loyalties, ultimately leading to her greatest mistakes and, subsequently, her most profound self-discoveries. It's a classic device used to explore themes of choice, consequence, and personal growth.
Music serves as a central motif for connection, expression, and emotional states.
Music is deeply woven into the fabric of the story, serving as both a literal and metaphorical device. Lennie and Bailey shared a love for music, particularly classical. After Bailey's death, Lennie struggles to play her clarinet, symbolizing her inability to find harmony in her life. Joe, a talented multi-instrumentalist, reconnects Lennie with the joy of music, and their duets become a powerful expression of their burgeoning love. Music also acts as a metaphor for Lennie's internal world, with her 'melody' being out of tune due to her grief and confusion. Ultimately, finding her own unique musical voice signifies her path to healing and self-discovery.
“My darling, you are a symphony, and I am a song that wants to be sung by you.”
— Lennie's internal thoughts about Joe.
“How can the sky be everywhere if it's right above our heads? It's just a big blue umbrella.”
— Bailey's childhood quote, remembered by Lennie.
“Grief is a house that has no doors or windows. I can't get out. My brother's gone. I'm gone.”
— Lennie's raw feelings after Bailey's death.
“He smells like books and earth and rain. He smells like everything I want to keep.”
— Lennie's sensory description of Toby.
“It's like I have a giant hole in my chest, and everything good just falls right through.”
— Lennie describing her emptiness post-loss.
“Music is the language of the heart, and my heart is a record player that's been broken.”
— Lennie's struggle to play her clarinet after Bailey's death.
“Love is a really scary thing. You have to be so open for it to work.”
— Lennie's reflection on the risks of love.
“The world is a giant, beautiful, complicated thing, and we're just tiny pieces of it.”
— Lennie contemplating her place in the world.
“Sometimes I feel like I'm made of glass, and everyone can see right through me.”
— Lennie's feelings of exposure and fragility.
“There are a million ways to say 'I love you,' but only one way to truly mean it.”
— Lennie's thoughts on genuine affection.
“He's not just a boy. He's a symphony. He's the song I've been waiting to play.”
— Lennie's deep feelings for Joe.
“It's funny how you can be so close to someone and still not know what they're really thinking.”
— Lennie's realization about the hidden complexities of relationships.
“The sky is everywhere, it begins at your feet.”
— A profound realization Lennie has, echoing Bailey's earlier question.
“Grief is a ghost, and it's always lurking, just out of sight.”
— Lennie's ongoing struggle with her brother's death.
“How can you miss someone you never really knew?”
— Lennie's internal question about her connection to Toby, who was Bailey's boyfriend.
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