“I was tired of being the girl who liked girls in a country where it was a crime. I was tired of being the girl who liked girls in a family where it was a sin.”
— Sahar reflects on the challenges of her identity in Iran.
Archivist's Choice
If You Could Be Mine
Sara Farizan (2013)
Genre
Young Adult / Romance
Reading Time
240 min
Key Themes
See below
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In a country where their love is forbidden, a teenage girl considers a gender transition to legally marry her best friend, forcing her to choose between who she is and who she loves.
Synopsis
Seventeen-year-old Sahar loves her best friend, Nasrin. Their love is a dangerous secret in Tehran, where homosexuality is punishable by death. When Nasrin's parents arrange her marriage to a wealthy doctor, their hidden romance is threatened. Sahar learns that while homosexuality is forbidden, sex reassignment surgery is legal in Iran, seen as correcting a 'mistake of nature.' Sahar thinks about having the surgery to become male, believing that as a man, she could then legally marry Nasrin and openly love her. This idea forces Sahar to face a conflict: keeping her love for Nasrin or sacrificing her identity and body. Sahar eventually realizes that changing herself for Nasrin is not the answer. She accepts that she cannot make Nasrin choose her over societal expectations and her arranged marriage. Sahar begins a journey of self-discovery, finding new ways to understand her identity, separate from Nasrin. She moves towards accepting a difficult truth about herself and her future.
Reading time
240 min
Difficulty
Medium
Pacing
Moderate
Mood
Thought-provoking, Melancholy, Hopeful, Culturally Rich
✓ Read this if...
You're interested in a nuanced exploration of identity, love, and societal pressures in a non-Western cultural context, particularly with LGBTQ+ themes.
✗ Skip this if...
You prefer lighthearted romance or stories with straightforward happy endings for all characters.
Plot Summary
A Secret Love in Tehran
Sahar, seventeen, has loved her best friend, Nasrin, since childhood. Their love grew through stolen glances, secret touches, and quiet promises. They live in Tehran, Iran, where their same-sex relationship is forbidden and illegal, punishable by prison or death. Despite the constant danger, they hold onto their private moments, finding comfort and passion with each other. Sahar dreams of a future where they can be open, but society's harsh rules cast a shadow, forcing them to keep their love completely secret, even from family.
The Arranged Marriage Announcement
Their secret world breaks when Nasrin's parents announce her arranged marriage to a rich doctor. This news crushes Sahar, who sees it as the end of their dreams together. Nasrin, while outwardly agreeing with her family, tries to assure Sahar that their relationship can continue quietly. She says the marriage will give her money and a cover for their secret meetings. Sahar cannot accept this, seeing only a future where Nasrin belongs to another and their love becomes a more painful secret.
A Desperate Solution: Sex Reassignment Surgery
Desperate to be with Nasrin, Sahar finds a legal option in Iran: while homosexuality is illegal, sex reassignment surgery (SRS) is legal and even funded by the government. It is seen as a medical fix for those whose gender identity does not match their biological sex. This idea sparks a radical thought in Sahar: if she becomes a man, she could legally marry Nasrin and they could be together openly, without fear. This extreme solution offers Sahar a small hope in a bad situation, appearing as the only way to a socially accepted union with the woman she loves, but at a huge personal cost.
Seeking Guidance and Information
With her new plan, Sahar starts researching sex reassignment surgery. She secretly visits Dr. Hamidi, a doctor known for these procedures, to learn about the physical and mental aspects of transition. During her visits, she meets Parisa, a young transgender man who has already had the surgery. Parisa shares his experiences, both the difficulties and the freedom, giving Sahar a firsthand account of the journey. These meetings give Sahar important insights into the major changes she would undergo, making her face giving up her female identity for her love for Nasrin.
Nasrin's Reaction and Growing Doubts
Sahar eventually tells Nasrin her drastic plan, expecting her to share her desperate hope. But Nasrin reacts with shock, confusion, and worry, not fully understanding Sahar's sacrifice or the meaning of such a big change. Nasrin is at first overwhelmed, struggling to grasp how Sahar could change her body and identity so much. Her reaction makes Sahar doubt for the first time, wondering if Nasrin truly understands how big this is and if their love is strong enough for such an extreme change.
The Weight of Expectation and Identity
As Sahar gets closer to her decision, she struggles with the huge personal cost of sex reassignment surgery. She thinks about her female identity, the body she has known her whole life, and the woman she is. The thought of losing this part of herself, even for Nasrin, becomes harder to bear. She questions if she is truly willing to give up her core identity and physical form, not because she feels gender dysphoria, but only as a way to an end—a way to make her forbidden love legal. This inner conflict causes great emotional pain, showing the deep ethical and personal problem she faces.
A Conflicted Farewell
Before Nasrin's wedding, Sahar and Nasrin share a sad and conflicted goodbye. Their past intimacy is now mixed with sorrow and uncertainty. Nasrin, preparing for a life with another person, struggles to fully commit to Sahar's extreme plan, or perhaps to fully admit the depth of their forbidden love against societal rules. Sahar, in turn, feels the painful reality of Nasrin slipping away, even as she thinks about a future where she might become a man to get her back. This moment shows the deep sadness of their situation, where love is not enough to overcome their world's strict rules.
The Aftermath of Nasrin's Wedding
Nasrin's wedding happens, leaving Sahar heartbroken and lost. The reality of Nasrin being married to someone else sinks in, forcing Sahar to face her situation. The future she had imagined, where she would become a man to marry Nasrin, now feels far away and perhaps wrong. The initial desperation that drove her radical plan begins to fade, replaced by a growing understanding that her decision should be about her own truth, not just a means to an end. This time marks a turning point for Sahar as she starts to rethink her reasons.
Meeting Ali and New Perspectives
During this difficult time, Sahar connects with Ali, a transgender man she met through Dr. Hamidi. Ali becomes an important person in Sahar's journey, not as a love interest, but as a friend and guide. Through their talks, Ali shares his true experiences of gender dysphoria and the deep relief and authenticity he found in his transition. He helps Sahar understand the difference between transitioning because of true identity and transitioning out of desperation for love. Ali's view encourages Sahar to look inside and consider her own feelings about her gender, separate from her love for Nasrin.
A New Understanding of Self
Through talking with Ali and thinking about herself, Sahar begins to understand that her wish to transition was mostly a desperate attempt to be with Nasrin, not a true feeling of gender dysphoria. She realizes that while she loves Nasrin deeply, giving up her female identity is not the way to true happiness or fulfillment. She starts to accept herself as a gay woman, knowing that her identity is real, even if it is forbidden in her society. This realization is both freeing and painful, as it means letting go of the specific future she imagined with Nasrin, but also accepting her true self.
Confronting Nasrin and Moving Forward
Sahar eventually confronts Nasrin, expressing her pain and her new understanding of her identity. She realizes that their love, while deep, cannot thrive under the rules of Nasrin's marriage or Sahar's planned sacrifice. Sahar understands that she cannot force Nasrin to choose her, nor can she change herself for someone else's acceptance. She begins to make her own path, accepting that her love for Nasrin, while lasting, may not happen the way she once hoped. This is a difficult but necessary step towards self-acceptance and independent growth for Sahar, as she starts to imagine a future where her happiness does not rely only on Nasrin.
Embracing a Difficult Truth
By the end, Sahar accepts her identity as a gay woman, understanding the challenges and dangers this brings in Iranian society. She chooses to live truly, even if it means a life of secrecy and possible hardship, rather than giving up her true self for a conditional love. While the pain of losing Nasrin as she imagined is real, Sahar finds a quiet strength in accepting herself. The story ends with Sahar facing her future, dealing with her identity and desires in a world that mostly rejects them, but with a new sense of personal honesty and the courage to be herself.
Principal Figures
Sahar
The Protagonist
Sahar's arc moves from desperate self-sacrifice for love to a painful but ultimately liberating acceptance of her true identity as a gay woman, even in a hostile environment.
Nasrin
The Supporting
Nasrin remains largely constrained by societal expectations, choosing a path of conformity and security, which ultimately separates her from Sahar's vision of an open, exclusive love.
Ali
The Supporting
Ali's arc is already complete, having found peace and authenticity in his transition. He acts as a catalyst for Sahar's self-realization rather than undergoing a significant arc himself.
Dr. Hamidi
The Supporting
Dr. Hamidi does not have a personal arc, serving primarily as an informative and facilitating character for Sahar's exploration.
Reza
The Mentioned
Reza's presence solidifies Nasrin's path of conformity, but he does not have an individual arc.
Sahar's Mother
The Supporting
Sahar's mother remains largely consistent in her role as a concerned, traditional parent, without a significant personal arc.
Themes & Insights
Forbidden Love and Societal Oppression
This theme explores the challenges and dangers faced by individuals in love in a society that makes their relationship illegal. Sahar and Nasrin's secret love brings both joy and fear, forcing them to hide their true feelings. Nasrin's arranged marriage and Sahar's consideration of sex reassignment surgery both come from the oppressive societal rules that deny them the right to love openly. The story shows the emotional cost of living under such a threat, where love itself becomes an act of rebellion, always shadowed by fear of being found out and punished.
“In Iran, being a homosexual is a crime punishable by death. But to be a man trapped in a woman's body is seen as nature's mistake, and gender reassignment is legal.”
Identity vs. Self-Sacrifice
This theme looks at the difficult choice of giving up one's identity for love or social acceptance. Sahar thinks about having sex reassignment surgery, not because she identifies as male, but as a desperate way to legally marry Nasrin. Her inner struggle highlights the question of what one will give up to be with the person they love, and if such a sacrifice leads to true happiness. The contrast with Ali, who genuinely transitions due to gender dysphoria, shows the difference between living truly and changing oneself for outside reasons, pushing Sahar to eventually accept her true identity as a gay woman.
“Was I willing to lose myself, to become someone I was not, all for the sake of love? Or was this who I was meant to be, a man in a woman's body?”
The Nature of Love and Commitment
The novel examines different aspects of love and commitment, especially under pressure. Sahar's love for Nasrin is all-consuming, leading her to consider extreme actions. Nasrin's love, while real, is more practical and tied to her need for security and social acceptance, leading her to accept an arranged marriage while hoping to continue her secret relationship with Sahar. The story questions if love can truly grow when one person makes such a big sacrifice, and if commitment can last when one person's identity is against how they can be together. It suggests that true love requires honesty from both people.
“I loved her so much it hurt, a constant ache in my chest that told me she was mine, and I was hers, even if the world said otherwise.”
Authenticity and Self-Acceptance
This theme explores the journey to understanding and accepting oneself, especially in a restrictive environment. Sahar first considers transitioning as a way to an end, a way to 'fix' her 'problem' of loving another woman. However, through talking with Ali and thinking about herself, she realizes that true happiness means accepting who she truly is—a gay woman—rather than following societal rules or having a physical change that does not match her inner gender identity. Her final decision to accept her identity, despite the dangers, shows a strong act of self-acceptance and honesty.
“Maybe the real bravery wasn't in changing who I was, but in accepting who I already was, even if it was dangerous.”
The Double-Edged Sword of Legality
The book highlights the ironic and complex laws around sex reassignment surgery in Iran. While homosexuality is punishable by death, gender transition is legal and even supported by the state. This is based on a religious idea that sees gender dysphoria as a 'mistake of nature.' This creates a unique and morally unclear situation, offering a possible 'solution' for gay people to legally marry, but at the cost of their true gender identity. The theme explores how legal systems, even when they seem progressive, can be used to force conformity and suppress true identity, making people choose difficult paths.
“It was a strange twisted logic, that a woman could become a man, but two women could never truly be together.”
Plot Devices & Literary Techniques
The Legal Loophole of SRS
The legal allowance of sex reassignment surgery (SRS) in Iran.
This device is central to the plot, providing Sahar with what she perceives as a desperate solution to her forbidden love. The fact that SRS is legal and even subsidized in Iran, while homosexuality is illegal, creates the core conflict and the ethical dilemma. It's a plot device that drives Sahar's extreme consideration and allows for the exploration of themes like identity, self-sacrifice, and the complexities of societal and religious laws. It's not a genuine solution for Sahar, but it acts as a powerful catalyst for her self-discovery.
Arranged Marriage
Nasrin's parents arranging her marriage to a doctor.
The arranged marriage serves as the primary inciting incident that escalates the conflict between Sahar and Nasrin's love and societal expectations. It acts as an external pressure that forces both characters to confront the reality of their situation. For Sahar, it's the catalyst for her desperate plan to undergo SRS. For Nasrin, it represents the path of least resistance and social acceptance, creating a direct obstacle to Sahar's vision of their future together. This device immediately raises the stakes and forces difficult choices upon the characters.
The Mentor Figure (Ali)
The character of Ali, a transgender man who has undergone SRS.
Ali functions as a crucial mentor figure for Sahar, providing an authentic voice and perspective on gender transition. He is not a romantic interest but a guide who helps Sahar understand the profound difference between genuine gender dysphoria and transitioning for external reasons. His lived experience and honesty are instrumental in helping Sahar to critically examine her own motivations and ultimately accept her true identity. Ali's presence prevents Sahar from making a decision based purely on desperation, offering an alternative path of self-acceptance.
Internal Monologue
Sahar's extensive inner thoughts and reflections.
Sahar's internal monologue is a pervasive plot device that grants the reader deep access to her emotional turmoil, her reasoning, and her evolving understanding of herself. It allows the author to explore complex themes of identity, love, and sacrifice from Sahar's perspective, without relying solely on dialogue or external action. This device is crucial for conveying the nuances of her internal conflict, particularly as she grapples with the idea of changing her gender for love, and her eventual journey towards self-acceptance.
Critical analysis
Notable Quotes
“It was like watching a movie of my own life, but I was just a spectator, not a participant.”
— Sahar feels detached from her own experiences due to the restrictions on her life.
“Love isn't a choice, it's a feeling. And sometimes, you can't help who you feel it for.”
— Sahar tries to explain her feelings for Nasrin to someone who doesn't understand.
“The idea of becoming a boy, of having a penis, of being able to marry Nasrin, was so absurd and yet so tantalizing.”
— Sahar contemplates the drastic decision of gender confirmation surgery to be with Nasrin.
“We were two halves of a whole, but the world insisted on tearing us apart.”
— Sahar describes her bond with Nasrin and the external forces separating them.
“Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is just keep breathing.”
— Sahar finds strength in simply enduring her difficult circumstances.
“It was easier to pretend to be someone else than to be punished for who I really was.”
— Sahar reflects on the necessity of hiding her true self.
“The surgery was a way out, but it was also a way in. A way into a life I never imagined, with a person I couldn't imagine living without.”
— Sahar considers the dual implications of the surgery.
“In a country where being gay was a crime, sometimes the only way to be together was to change who you were.”
— Sahar explains the unique predicament faced by same-sex couples in Iran.
“My heart ached with a longing so deep it felt like a physical wound.”
— Sahar describes her intense emotional pain and desire for Nasrin.
“I wanted to be brave enough to love her openly, but bravery didn't pay the bills or keep you out of jail.”
— Sahar grapples with the conflict between her desires and practical realities.
“The future was a blank canvas, and I was terrified of what I might paint on it.”
— Sahar feels apprehension about the uncertain path ahead.
“Sometimes the greatest acts of love are the ones that break your own heart.”
— Sahar reflects on the sacrifices she might have to make for the person she loves.
“It wasn't about being a man or a woman; it was about being with her.”
— Sahar simplifies her complex motivations for considering gender transition.
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Key Questions (FAQ)
Sahar is deeply in love with her best friend, Nasrin, but their romantic relationship is illegal and punishable by severe penalties in Iran. This forces them to keep their love a secret, creating immense emotional strain and a constant threat of discovery. The conflict intensifies when Nasrin's parents arrange her marriage to a doctor.
About the author
Biography coming soon.
