Sarah Dessen (2009)
Genre
Young Adult / Romance
Reading Time
7-8 hours
Key Themes
See below
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An insomniac teen, always the 'perfect daughter,' finds freedom and a friend in a fellow night-owl during a long summer, discovering friendship, first love, and healing she never knew she needed.
Auden West, a recent high school graduate, arrives in Colby, a small beach town, to live with her estranged academic father, Robert, his younger second wife, Heidi, and their baby daughter, Thisbe. Auden has always been a diligent, high-achieving student, mostly to please her demanding mother, Victoria. She feels like an outsider in her new, seemingly messy family, especially compared to Heidi's energetic, if sometimes overwhelming, personality. Auden struggles to connect with Heidi and Thisbe, feeling awkward in the home setting. Her first interactions with her father are also strained, as he is often busy with his work and seems unaware of Auden's discomfort.
Heidi gets Auden a job at 'Clem,' a local shop owned by Maggie, a friend of Heidi's. This is Auden's first real job and her first time around a group of typical teenage girls: Maggie, Leah, and Esther. At first, Auden feels completely out of place, unsure how to talk to them or join their casual conversations about boys, clothes, and summer plans. She notices their easy friendship, something she mostly missed due to her focus on school and her mother's influence. Through the shop, Auden starts to see glimpses of a different life, one with more spontaneous fun and real connection than she has ever known.
One night, unable to sleep, Auden goes out and meets Eli, a quiet boy who works at a bike shop. She finds out he also has insomnia, a condition she shares. Their shared sleeplessness creates an immediate, unspoken bond. Eli shows Auden the nighttime world of Colby, taking her to hidden spots and sharing quiet moments. He becomes her guide to a side of life she has never experienced — one free from her parents' expectations or the school pressures she has always known. Their nighttime outings become a safe place for Auden to slowly open up and explore her true self.
As Auden spends more time with Eli, she talks about her regrets about missing out on typical teenage experiences because of her intense focus on school and her mother's influence. Eli, seeing what she wants, encourages her to make a list of 'firsts' — things like learning to ride a bike, going to a drive-in movie, playing mini-golf, and attending a prom. This list becomes a goal for Auden's summer, a way to get back the carefree adolescence she feels she was denied. Eli, in turn, helps her check off these items, making their nighttime adventures a shared project of discovery and growth.
Auden slowly learns about Eli's past, specifically the death of his best friend, Abe. Abe was killed in a car accident while Eli was driving, leaving Eli feeling guilty and responsible. This event deeply affected Eli, causing him to pull back from many parts of his life, including competitive BMX biking, which he once was good at. His insomnia and quiet nature are direct results of this trauma. Auden realizes that Eli's healing journey is connected to her own search for self-discovery, and she feels a growing wish to help him face his past and move on.
The fragile peace in Auden's father's house begins to break. Robert, busy with his book, is increasingly absent, both physically and emotionally, from Heidi and Thisbe. Heidi, overwhelmed by a new baby and feeling ignored, becomes stressed and irritable. Auden sees the growing distance between them, which reminds her of some of the issues that led to her own parents' divorce. She starts to see her father's patterns more clearly and understands the toll his self-absorption takes on those around him, including herself and now Heidi.
Despite her initial awkwardness, Auden slowly forms real friendships with Maggie, Leah, and Esther from the shop. She joins their sleepovers, late-night talks, and casual outings. Through these interactions, Auden learns about female friendship — the small arguments, the shared secrets, and the strong support. She starts to lose her intellectual, reserved manner and embrace a more carefree, social side of herself. These friendships give Auden a sense of belonging and a different view of life beyond school and family drama.
As part of her 'firsts' list, Auden goes to a makeshift prom with Eli and their friends. The night goes well, showing Auden's growing comfort in social situations. However, later, Auden pushes Eli to face his guilt over Abe's death, believing it is the only way for him to heal. This sensitive topic leads to a heated argument, with Eli feeling that Auden is overstepping and not understanding the depth of his pain. The fight creates a big gap between them, leaving both feeling hurt and confused, and threatening the progress they have made.
Heidi's stress peaks in a breakdown, caused by Robert's continued emotional absence and her overwhelming responsibilities with Thisbe. Auden, seeing Heidi's vulnerability, steps up in an unexpected way. She stops being a detached observer and offers real comfort and practical help to Heidi, taking care of Thisbe and listening with empathy. This moment marks a turning point in Auden's relationship with Heidi, changing it from awkward distance to mutual support and understanding. It also forces Auden to face her own past and her role in her parents' dynamic.
After Heidi's breakdown, Auden confronts her father about his neglect and self-absorption, asking him to be more present for his family. This confrontation, though difficult, starts a much-needed conversation between them. Auden also finds Eli, apologizing for pushing him too hard and saying she understands his pain. They make up, acknowledging their feelings for each other and promising to support each other's healing journeys. Auden helps Eli take the first steps towards getting back on his bike, symbolizing his tentative return to life. The summer ends with Auden having found real friendship, love, and a stronger sense of self.
The Protagonist
Auden transforms from a detached observer to an engaged participant, learning to embrace spontaneity, form genuine connections, and advocate for herself and her loved ones.
The Love Interest / Supporting
Eli slowly confronts his guilt over Abe's death, finding the courage to grieve and begin healing with Auden's support, eventually getting back on his bike.
The Supporting
Heidi's journey highlights the struggles of new motherhood and marital strain, ultimately finding her voice and demanding more from her husband with Auden's support.
The Supporting
Robert is forced to confront his self-absorption and neglect, beginning to take steps toward being a more present and supportive husband and father.
The Supporting / Mentioned
Though not physically present for most of the story, Victoria's character remains largely static, serving as a catalyst for Auden's desire for change.
The Supporting
Thisbe's presence serves as a constant, unchanging element that reveals the character of those around her, particularly Heidi and Robert.
The Supporting
Maggie helps facilitate Auden's social growth and provides a supportive friendship, remaining a steadfast friend throughout the summer.
The Mentioned
Abe's memory is a static but powerful force, driving Eli's internal conflict and ultimately his path to healing.
Auden arrives in Colby feeling like an outsider, defined by her mother's expectations and her school achievements. The summer is a journey of self-discovery as she sheds her strict persona and explores a more carefree, real version of herself. This is clear in her 'Summer of Firsts' list, where she actively seeks experiences she missed, like learning to ride a bike or going to a prom. By stepping out of her comfort zone and forming new relationships, Auden learns who she is without her parents' influence, leading to her ability to stand up for herself and those she cares about.
“It was like she was a character in a movie, and the director kept yelling 'Action!' but she had no idea what she was supposed to do.”
Eli's story focuses on his struggle to heal from the deep guilt and grief he feels over Abe's death. His insomnia and withdrawal from BMX biking show this trauma. Auden's presence and gentle encouragement, though sometimes too direct, help him face his past. The healing process is shown as a gradual journey, not an instant fix, symbolized by Eli's eventual decision to get back on his bike. The story highlights that true healing means acknowledging pain and allowing oneself to move forward, often with the help of others.
“Sometimes you just have to go for it. Like, if you don't, you'll regret it forever.”
The novel explores the often messy workings within families, especially through Auden's relationships with her divorced parents and her new stepfamily. Auden's difficult connection with her self-absorbed father, Robert, and her demanding mother, Victoria, shows the effect of parental neglect and expectation. Her changing relationship with Heidi, her overwhelmed stepmother, shows how empathy and understanding can bridge initial awkwardness. The story suggests that family, while sometimes a source of pain, can also be a source of support and growth, especially when people choose to be present and communicate honestly.
“Families are weird. You don't get to choose 'em, and sometimes you just gotta deal.”
Auden's journey is heavily shaped by the connections she makes throughout the summer. Her bond with Eli, formed from shared insomnia and a mutual understanding of loneliness, helps both of them grow personally. The friendships she develops with Maggie, Leah, and Esther from the shop introduce her to the joys and difficulties of female friendship, giving her a social network she never had. These relationships show how meaningful connections can offer support, challenge, and a sense of belonging, changing isolated individuals into part of a community.
“It's like, you don't even know what you're missing until you have it.”
A tangible list of typical teenage experiences Auden wants to achieve.
This list serves as a central structural device and a clear objective for Auden's summer. It externalizes her internal yearning for a normal adolescence and provides a series of mini-quests that drive much of the plot and her interactions with Eli. Each 'first' (like learning to ride a bike, going to a prom, or playing mini-golf) represents a step outside her comfort zone and a physical manifestation of her emotional growth. It also allows Eli to actively participate in her journey, strengthening their bond.
A shared condition between Auden and Eli that brings them together.
Insomnia functions as a literal and metaphorical plot device. Literally, it creates the opportunity for Auden and Eli to meet and spend time together in the quiet hours of the night, fostering their unique bond away from the demands of daylight. Metaphorically, it represents their shared internal struggles – Auden's anxiety and feeling of being out of sync with the world, and Eli's guilt and grief that keep him awake. It symbolizes their loneliness and their eventual connection through a shared vulnerability, allowing them to open up to each other.
A idyllic, self-contained summer setting that facilitates transformation.
Colby, the beach town, acts as a self-contained world where Auden can escape her old life and experiment with a new identity. Its summer-centric activities (bike riding, beach, boutique jobs, late-night hangouts) are crucial for the 'firsts' Auden experiences. The transient nature of a summer vacation allows for intense, focused character development and relationships that might not form in a more permanent setting. It's a place of both escape and discovery, providing the backdrop for Auden's and Eli's healing journeys.
A symbol of freedom, independence, and healing.
The bicycle is a recurring motif that symbolizes several key themes. For Auden, learning to ride a bike is a literal 'first' that represents gaining independence and experiencing a carefree joy she never had. For Eli, his history with BMX biking is tied to his trauma; his refusal to ride symbolizes his guilt and withdrawal. When Auden helps him fix his old bike and he eventually rides again, it signifies his tentative steps towards healing, confronting his past, and finding freedom from his grief. It's a vehicle for both physical and emotional journeys.
“It was a good thing that time was mostly conceptual, I thought, and that there was no way to measure it in terms of how much of it you were supposed to spend doing any one thing.”
— Auden reflects on her unconventional schedule and how she measures time.
“The thing about being an only child is that you're an only child. There's no one else to blame.”
— Auden considers the unique pressures and responsibilities of being an only child.
“I’d always thought that if I did my best, I’d be rewarded. It was a simple equation. But in life, it wasn’t always like that.”
— Auden grapples with the realization that effort doesn't always guarantee desired outcomes.
“The world was full of people who were trying to make a difference, but there were also people who were just trying to get by.”
— Auden observes the different motivations and struggles of people around her.
“It’s funny how sometimes the people you’d never imagine would be there for you, are the ones who are.”
— Auden reflects on the unexpected support she receives from new friends.
“You can’t just stop living because you’re afraid of what might happen.”
— Eli encourages Auden to take risks and experience life.
“There was a difference between being alone and being lonely.”
— Auden ponders her feelings about solitude versus true loneliness.
“Maybe it was good to have a few things you didn’t understand. It kept life interesting.”
— Auden considers the value of mystery and the unknown.
“Everything was a choice. Even not choosing was a choice.”
— Auden realizes the pervasive nature of choice in her life.
“I had always been good at observing, at noticing the tiny details that others missed. It was a skill, I thought, that came with being on the outside looking in.”
— Auden reflects on her analytical nature and her feeling of being an outsider.
“The night was for stories. The night was for secrets.”
— Auden experiences the unique atmosphere of the nighttime world, particularly with Eli.
“It’s okay to not be okay, you know. It’s okay to fall apart a little.”
— Eli offers comfort and validation to Auden during a vulnerable moment.
“Sometimes you just needed to go for a ride, to clear your head and remember who you were.”
— Auden discovers the therapeutic power of cycling and escape.
“The hardest part of saying goodbye was knowing that no matter how much you wanted to, you couldn't stay.”
— Auden grapples with the bittersweet nature of endings and transitions.
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